Dolly Writes

Journey of a growing woman

Month: January, 2014

100 Truths (2)

I have done this before but I decided to do it again because I am bored and it’s fun

100 truths

Last beverage – Hot Chocolate (Milo)
Last phone call – Temi
Last text message – Mike
Last song you listened to – Gunshot Nicki Minaj ft. Bernie Man
Last time you cried – Few hours ago

❤️Have you ever
Dated someone twice – No
Been cheated on – Sorta
Kissed someone – yep
Lost someone special – yeah
Been depressed – Yeah
Been drunk and threw up – haha…yeah

Favourite colours
Purple
Black
Pink
Red

Have you
Made new friends – Yeah
Fallen out of love – Yeah
Laughed until I cried – yep…rarely happens so it has to be really funny
Met someone who changed you – Not really changed but like brought out a different side of me
Found out who your true friends were – I have an idea but you never really know do you?
Kissed someone on your friend’s list – Not sure what friend’s list is
How many people on your friend’s list do you know in real life – same as above
Do you have any pets – no
Do you want to change your name – no
What did you do for your birthday – Spent most of the day alone sleeping and eating but the later part of the day was spent with my teddy robskins
What time did you wake up today – about 11.45 a.m
What were you doing at midnight last night – Trying to study up on the poem ‘Strange Meeting’ by Wilfred Owen
Name something you cannot wait for – To be extremely satisfied and happy
Last time you saw your father – August
What is be thing you wish you could change about your life – My inability to concentrate
What are you listening to right now – Walks like Rihanna by The Wanted
Have you ever talked to a person named Tom – Yeah
What’s getting on your nerves right now – Nothing is really upsetting me right now
Most visited webpage – lindaikeji.blogspot.com/ theybf.com

Facts
What’s your name – Adedolapo Modupeore Adewunmi Akitoye
Nicknames – Dolly
Relationship status – With someone amazing
Zodiac Sign – Scorpio
High School – The Bells Comprehensive Secondary School
College/University: The University of Buckingham
Hair Colour – Black
Long/medium/short – Short
Height – 5″4
Do you have a crush on someone – It’s more than a crush
What do you like about yourself – My imaginations
Home town – Isale-eko, Lagos
Tattoos- Nahh
Righty or lefty- Righty

Firsts
First surgery – stitches on my jaw after I fell from a bunk bed
First relationship – 15
First best friends – Chinonso Audrey Ubani
First sport you joined – Swimming
First pet – Never had one
First vacation – England
First concert – Wizkid
First crush – Usher

Right Now
Eating – nothing
Drinking – nothing
Already missing – Him
I’m about to – take a shower
Listening to – Bound to You – Christiana Aguilera
Thinking about – Seeing him again
Waiting for – nothing in particular at the moment

❤️Your Future
Want kids – 3 kids…. 2 boys and 1 girl…the boys should be the oldest and youngest..Actually the order and the gender don’t really matter anymore so far as they are healthy
Want to get married – definitely
Careers in mind – Journalist

❤️What you prefer in the opposite sex
Lips or eyes? – Eyes
Hugs or kisses – Both
Shorter or taller – Taller
Older or younger – I really really do prefer a guy that olderrrrr than me but I’ll never say never
Romantic or spontaneous- A bit of both
Nice stomach or nice arms – It honestly doesn’t matter to me anymore…
Sensitive or loud – A bit of both but maybe more sensitive than loud
Hook-up or relationship – Relationship
Troublemaker or hesitant – A bit of both

Have you ever
Drank hard liquor – Yeah
Lost glasses/ contacts – Lost contacts (not medicated)
Had sex on 1st date – Lol…no
Broken someone’s heart – I think so
Had your heart broken – Yeah
Been arrested – no
Turned someone down – Yeah
Cried when someone died – I’ll leave this for now
Liked a friend that’s of the same sex – Lol..Nahh

Do you believe in
Yourself – Learning to
Miracles – yes
Love at first sight- no..but I believe in like at first sight
Heaven – yes
Santa Claus – no
Kiss on the first date – yh
Angels – yes

Is there someone one person you want to be with right now – My honeyy
Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend – errr
Wish you could Chang things in the past – no…if there is one thing I have learnt, it’s that everything happens for a reason
Are you posting this as 100 truths – yep

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The Root of the Matter

On a normal day, I would not share what I am about to share with anyone or on a blog for that matter but I decided that this is all part of my healing process and if it helps someone else, then I must have done something right.

So for as long as I can remember, I have been battling with depression. It sounds a little bit crazy I must admit but its the truth. When I always mentioned it to people, they didn’t think I was being serious. Most of them probably assumed that I was just being a bit too overdramatic. They would ask questions like ‘How can you say you are depressed?’ and say things like  ‘You have a good family, good people around you and your life is fine and you are saying you are depressed. Don’t say that.’

So with time, I developed the ability to keep locking things up in my mind and not sharing and even if I shared, I didn’t always share the full story. I knew how to cry in a room filled with people and except the occasional ‘Why are your eyes red?’, nobody will really know.

It was eating me up inside and tearing me apart piece by piece and I didn’t know what to do anymore. What did I not try? Contacting anonymous helplines, visiting a therapist, trying to open up every now and then…nothing worked.

I would still cry over and over again. The thing that tore me apart the most about this whole situation was the fact that I didn’t even know what the problem was. Why I was I depressed? Sometimes I would start crying and I would ask myself ‘What is the real issue?’ and I wouldn’t find anything.

I would find a reason for my tears and that never really solved any problems. Anytime, I find myself getting closer and closer to happiness, I would just feel it draw back away from me and desperately, I would try to hold on to that source but it just didn’t want to be close to me. It has been a difficult situation and I find myself asking ‘Why? Why can’t I just be happy?’ I could not just figure it out…until a few hours ago.

I was in my room as usual crying and trying to figure out what was going on in my life and I was really upset and I was praying and just like that, I got my answer. The answer I had been searching for for so long. God just put it in my mind and I discovered that it was very true. The reason I have let myself be in a state of unhappiness was for the simple reason that I did not love myself.

It might not be the answer anyone was expecting but when I thought of it, I knew it was true. Did I like myself? Yes, I did but LOVE? Not really.

I had never really known myself. I had never really understood who I was and that was the reason. I had spent so much time making others happy believing that somehow it will fall back on me but boy, was I wrong. I had forgotten about one major player in the game and that was me. I didn’t love me and I was hoping to get love in return. I do not know how I was expecting that to happen.

Its crazy now that I really think about it because I have never really had a good reason to not love me. I think I just cared too much about what others thought and how others would be happy and I didn’t remember myself.

Why am I sharing this? I really don’t know. I don’t know how I am going to learn to fall in love with me but I am going to try and its a journey that I hope will lead to good things. I just…listen guys, just love who you are. Love yourself. I really am not one to give this advice but actually I am one to give this advice because I have seen the dark side. I am living the dark side and its not a good feeling.

God made you for a reason. God is a God of order. He wont finna invest in something he didn’t think was perfect. For Him to have even thought of creating you, he knew that you are something this world needs and you are worth it. Believe that. Will I finally learn? I don’t know but we’re going to find out soon.

PMS(2), Family foes and Alone Time

It’s funny how I have found opening up to be very liberating for me. Writing about myself for others to see has created another avenue for me to release my frustration, anger, bitterness and whatever I am feeling inside.

Remember how I spoke about how frustrating my post-menstrual syndrome was. Well, I was hoping it will get better but it hasn’t. I still feel emotionally frustrated and the annoying part is no one can really understand how I feel right now. I am in such an emotional mess at the moment and I just feel like crying every now and then.

Now to add some sea salt on a fresh bruise, my family decides to piss me off. Raise your hand if you are not a fan of your family? *Raises hand for the whole world to see*. I am NOTT a fan of my family and I never really have but before you judge me I will explain. You see, my Aku sweets said something in her post a few days ago that described how I feel about family. She said that you don’t choose your family and so you have to learn to accept them and you always kind of have to love them. I agree with her. You are stuck with your family for life which isn’t a bad thing but sometimes family members take advantage of that stuff.

What annoys me about family is that they know how to judge you. They will judge you and judge you and not care much if your feelings are hurt because they know that at the end of the day, you are stick with them. Some family members will give you unsolicited advice and some will just straight-up annoy you. Don’t get me wrong; I love my family but most of the time, I cannot stand being around them for long stretches of time (and yes, a week is long). I just can’t because they will drive me crazy.

So after a moment of being around my family, I just want to rest my head and spend some time on my own and clear my head and recover from their stress and wahala. So, I decided that I would love to go back to school two days before they return back to Nigeria and they agreed. I was looking forward to that day as at this morning but alas, my dreams had to be shattered by none others but the family. They (well, not they but I don’t want to mention names..lol) decided that I should just stay for the remaining two days and not because they want me around but for another reason that I won’t dive into.

I won’t lie to you but as I was sitting at the back of that car when I was told, tears began to fall from my eyes. That was PMS combined with frustration. I was not happy about that and till I got home, I was just so upset. My alone time was just taken away from me and that really pissed me off.

I love my family but don’t take my alone time away from me. I could beat you up for that. (Well, I couldn’t). Don’t do that. Please. I was so pissed that I went online and bought myself a pair of glasses just to make myself feel better. Take a look:

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It’s cute isn’t it? Just 10 pounds from asos. Why am I buying sunglasses in winter time? God knows. A girl that is going through PMS and just got pissed off by certain members of her family isn’t exactly thinking straight.

PMS, Hair styles, Wallflowers and all that Jazz

I decided to share more of myself on this blog and to be open and honest about myself and the things that I am going through. I have never been a very open person so it’s a challenge to me but I am trying.

Anyway, let’s get to it. Guys have you ever heard of PMS?! If you haven’t, it means Pre-menstrual syndrome and my dears, it is very very real. Lol. I never thought it was that serious but this last one showed me pepper. I felt tired, irritable, annoyed and the worst part of it all was the breakout of emotions. I was watching ‘Grown ups’ and I started crying. Who cries when watching Grown ups for Christ sake? And to make it worse, it didn’t just stop there, it morphed into post-menstrual syndrome and it hasn’t been pretty at all.

I cannot even begin to mention how much I have cried in the past few days and for no reason. Well, there have been reasons but they are things that I could have other wiser handled without crying. I have been going crazy. It ain’t easy being a woman. Why do we have it hard guys? The one I had yesterday was pretty bad and I really didn’t know how to talk about it so I just decided to write it when the emotional cloud decided to take a vacation and float on. Lol..I don’t even know if that made any sense.

Moving onnnnn. I decided to start my 2014 with a new look. I don’t know what my fascination with my hair is. Maybe it’s because I have never really had good hair and so I just start experimenting with it even though I am always afraid of how it will turn out. I remember a time when I did blonde braids. I don’t know why I did it. How can a black girl do blonde braids? But I conquered all the looks and fear..lool..and I managed to have it on for a while. Then I took the biggest risk of my life last year when I decided to cut my hair. I was so scared but I knew that if I didn’t cut my hair, I won’t be happy cause my hair was a mess. It was okay..for a while. It got annoying though but I still like it. So, I decided to unleash my inner Rihanna and I did this:

20140103-022603.jpg

AS A BAWSE!

Lol….if I tell you that I was not afraid of how this will turn out, I’ll be lying through my teeth. However, I think I look okay…don’t I? Lool..why am I making such a big deal out of hair? Well I guess I am doing so because I have never been one to take such huge risks but here I am…Taking risks in love, looks..and all of that..and I think it’s bringing out a bit of that inner confidence that I didn’t even know that I had.

Speaking of hair, while I was in the salon trying to make it look awesome, I decided to start reading ‘The Perks of Being a Wallflower’ by Stephen Chbosky. Early bird!! Right? Lool I know. Well, truth is I was never planning to read it. I am the kind of person that gets dis-interested by stuff when they are too too overhyped or if the people hyping them are annoying about it. (I tend to fall in this category). The only times I get interested is if I was interested in it before anyway or if something touches my heart to give it a try. For instance, I just made up my mind not to watch Gossip Girl because the hype was annoying me but I decided to give Revenge a try even though I had already decided against it. Let’s just say I got intrigued by the name and decided to watch it and I love it. Anyway, I digress.

Anyway, this book was a book I wasn’t planning on reading and the movie was not one that I planned on watching. However, I was in WHSmith on Christmas Eve and I just saw it and I guess the Christmas Spirit around thought it’s a book I’d love and I do. Anyway, I am still on it but while reading it in the salon, I came across a quote that just grabbed my attention.

We accept the love we think we deserve

I am not sure what it was about it but it just got me someplace deep and I still haven’t figured out the words to say about it. But when I do, I’ll let you know.

I talk a lot and I say rubbish. It’s part of what I do guys and who I am. Lool. I am still not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing but I sure hope if won’t land me in trouble. Lol

Thanks for reading guys.
So much loveeeee….

Stuck

Have you ever felt stuck?
When I say stuck, I don’t mean being caught by something and can’t move and you have to cry for help and stuff like that.
I mean, being in a position whereby you don’t know what you want, how you want it, when you want it and stuff like that and you literally want to stab yourself because you don’t seem to have vision or inspiration and you even start questioning your existence.
I am making it sound very dramatic but honestly and truly, that is how it really feels.
I am at a place where I am lost. I am not inspired. I do not know what I want and my future seems very very foggy.
I wake up in the morning and I do not know what to do. I am just lost.
So, I pick up my iPad or my pen and I try to write something down but it’s like my heart and brain have finally agreed on one thing and that is..nothing.
I cannot seem to write anything down. I have ideas. I have stuff to write but I cannot think of how to write them
It is so frustrating. It keeps me up at night. It drives me nuts, crazy. I don’t know what I want to do with my life.
I had plans. Good plans for myself, for my future but maybe that’s the problem.
I made plans
I heard somewhere that if you want to make God laugh, show him your plans. Maybe that is what is happening to me. I don’t know. Anything to make me feel better.
I am just floating. I fought so hard to be able to study Journalism in uni and now I am studying it, I am suddenly afraid.
I can’t seem to keep up. I feel like a waste of space.
I want to do something different and life-changing but it isn’t coming.
I am just hoping that this year would be different.