The Root of the Matter

On a normal day, I would not share what I am about to share with anyone or on a blog for that matter but I decided that this is all part of my healing process and if it helps someone else, then I must have done something right.

So for as long as I can remember, I have been battling with depression. It sounds a little bit crazy I must admit but its the truth. When I always mentioned it to people, they didn’t think I was being serious. Most of them probably assumed that I was just being a bit too overdramatic. They would ask questions like ‘How can you say you are depressed?’ and say things like  ‘You have a good family, good people around you and your life is fine and you are saying you are depressed. Don’t say that.’

So with time, I developed the ability to keep locking things up in my mind and not sharing and even if I shared, I didn’t always share the full story. I knew how to cry in a room filled with people and except the occasional ‘Why are your eyes red?’, nobody will really know.

It was eating me up inside and tearing me apart piece by piece and I didn’t know what to do anymore. What did I not try? Contacting anonymous helplines, visiting a therapist, trying to open up every now and then…nothing worked.

I would still cry over and over again. The thing that tore me apart the most about this whole situation was the fact that I didn’t even know what the problem was. Why I was I depressed? Sometimes I would start crying and I would ask myself ‘What is the real issue?’ and I wouldn’t find anything.

I would find a reason for my tears and that never really solved any problems. Anytime, I find myself getting closer and closer to happiness, I would just feel it draw back away from me and desperately, I would try to hold on to that source but it just didn’t want to be close to me. It has been a difficult situation and I find myself asking ‘Why? Why can’t I just be happy?’ I could not just figure it out…until a few hours ago.

I was in my room as usual crying and trying to figure out what was going on in my life and I was really upset and I was praying and just like that, I got my answer. The answer I had been searching for for so long. God just put it in my mind and I discovered that it was very true. The reason I have let myself be in a state of unhappiness was for the simple reason that I did not love myself.

It might not be the answer anyone was expecting but when I thought of it, I knew it was true. Did I like myself? Yes, I did but LOVE? Not really.

I had never really known myself. I had never really understood who I was and that was the reason. I had spent so much time making others happy believing that somehow it will fall back on me but boy, was I wrong. I had forgotten about one major player in the game and that was me. I didn’t love me and I was hoping to get love in return. I do not know how I was expecting that to happen.

Its crazy now that I really think about it because I have never really had a good reason to not love me. I think I just cared too much about what others thought and how others would be happy and I didn’t remember myself.

Why am I sharing this? I really don’t know. I don’t know how I am going to learn to fall in love with me but I am going to try and its a journey that I hope will lead to good things. I just…listen guys, just love who you are. Love yourself. I really am not one to give this advice but actually I am one to give this advice because I have seen the dark side. I am living the dark side and its not a good feeling.

God made you for a reason. God is a God of order. He wont finna invest in something he didn’t think was perfect. For Him to have even thought of creating you, he knew that you are something this world needs and you are worth it. Believe that. Will I finally learn? I don’t know but we’re going to find out soon.

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