Over the past few weeks, I was in a dark place. I had experienced a very terrible type of pain. it was something that I didn’t think I would have to go through so soon and it kind of caught me by surprise and I didn’t know how to handle it.
I got my heart broken for the first time. Well, I won’t say the first time but basically, this time it cut me real deep and it came from this person that I had fallen so much in love with. I felt the sting of betrayal and pain. I felt anger, sadness, rage and eventually, I felt numbness and numbness is the worst kind of pain.
I wanted to take a vacation from life and just be in a different kind of space but do you know the most annoying part of all of this? I still loved him. In fact, if I was 70% sure that I loved him before, after everything, I was now a 100% sure that I was in love with this dude.
However, I started to question everything from the beginning. I started to question if it was all real. Folks told me that I shouldn’t be with him any longer and that he will do the same thing to me again but they didn’t feel what I felt when I met this guy for the first time.
The day I met him, I felt the world complete right before my very eyes. It was beyond physical for me and it was just beautiful and perfect and it was everything I wanted and more. I knew at once that he was special. So, it was hard for me to say goodbye. I refused to believe that all of that was in vain and I am staying and I am happy and I am scared and I am petrified. The truth is i never really knew love until I met him. I never knew that I could love someone so much even after all the hurt.
Don’t get me wrong, I am still a bit broken by this. Actually, not all that broken. You see, I always thought that if this sort of thing were to happen to me, I would break down and I would probably need to go to rehab for the broken-hearted. That wasn’t the case though. I mean, I felt myself break inside but I also felt those broken parts put themselves together.
As hurtful and painful as the whole situation was, I discovered that it came at just the right time. I needed it. I needed a wake-up call. I needed to realise that ‘this life would hit you hard in the face, wait for you to get back up so it can kick you in the stomach. But getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air.’ Those words of Sarah Kay never seemed more true.
I’d be lying to you if I tell you that I still don’t feel the hurt. I do all the time. In a way, it still feels like the pain is going to last forever but I know it wouldn’t because the level of hurt has decreased over the last few weeks. So, I know that with time, it will go.
I remember writing a post on my old blog when I just first started blogging. It was about Forgiveness. I was writing on why it was necessary to forgive others when they hurt you. I said that it was better to forgive them to keep you sane. Forgiving them is for yourself and not for them.
However, I didn’t think it will be that difficult and everyday I am still pushing myself in that direction to forgive. I decided one day that I would stop being the victim and learn to enjoy my time with me. Sometimes, its hard to be honest but I decided that I owed it to myself to try and be happy.
I decided that I needed to surrender myself to my feelings and accept every rush of emotion that comes to me.
Being open and sharing so much about myself on this blog might seem like I am giving too much away but I do this because I need to reach someone. The first few weeks that this happened, I felt like killing myself and if I didn’t have the will-power and God, I believe speaking to me telling me that it isn’t worth it, only God knows where I’ll be.
Therefore, if this can just reach one person and save somebody’s life, then I guess its all worth it. I’ll say this much, going through heartbreak is a very terrible kind of pain. The feeling of ‘I wasn’t enough’ can mess with your head and getting back up will not be easy but it is achievable.
Like I said earlier, I realised that I needed that pain to push me to wake up and stop living in a false reality and I needed it because I can see myself becoming a better person.