The past months were the most difficult times of my life. There were days I felt like dying, days I wanted to crawl up into a cave and never see sunlight again and there were days I felt like giving up.
However, in those days, there was growth and there was power and there was strength because even though I had felt betrayed, heart broken, rejected and alone, I was discovering who I was.
You see, all my life, I would never have been able to tell you who I was. Eighteen years, I have spent on this earth and I was just a human who was trying to find myself.
My likes, My dreams, My aspirations, My goals…It didn’t feel like they came from me. Even the little things, like the choice of my hairstyle to the choice of my shoes didn’t seem like they were me. I mean, they were me but they weren’t me.
I was trying to hide my flaws and I was trying to be somebody I was not. My individuality is still messed up and I am still trying to figure it out but at least, I am not playing it safe anymore. I am trying to discover who this amazing girl is.
I have realised that it’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to feel pain. It’s okay not to be okay. It is at our weakest points that our strengths are created. It is totally okay to be vulnerable. And that time does come, when you feel so weak and so tired that you just want to leave this place called EARTH. When you feel like this world doesn’t need you. When you feel like piercing the knife so deep in your skin so that you could feel pain in any other place other than your heart. I know. I have been there.
However, it is at that point, when you have hit rock bottom that you are being re-born and made into a much better and stronger version of yourself. It is at that point that you have to remind yourself that in this crazy world, where people die everyday, somehow, you still happen to be alive. There is a reason for your existence and He still has great plans for you.
A friend told me recently – and I agree – that there is a void in every human’s life that needs to be filled and it can’t be filled with temporary things. Every human is constantly searching for something – love, fame, success, passion, individuality – and when that is done, we find ourselves asking ‘What Next?’ That space is still there and in all honesty, its only God that can fill that void. He is the only one that can give that satisfaction.
It’s never too late to discover who you are. Experiment. Try new things. Take risks. Life is all about risks. Do you! Don’t care about what anyone other than God thinks.