Who Am I? – DOLAPO

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Today is the day and I must admit I am a little nervous but I am going to brave it out. To kick things off, it makes sense that I start with my own story so here it goes. For the next couple of days, a different story will be uploaded everyday at 8.30am (BST). Thank you

WHO AM I?

Up until a few months ago, I thought I knew the answer to this question. Actually, I knew I didn’t know but I wanted to believe that I knew. So, in order to do this, I went about my business everyday wearing a mask. This mask was on from the moment I woke up in the morning till I went to bed at night. I never took this mask off and so with time, I actually started to believe that this mask I was wearing depicted the real me.

There were certain facts about life that I knew. I knew that life could be cruel. I knew that people could come into your life and break you and then leave you to put the pieces back together. I knew that there were people that went through pain everyday and ended their lives because they couldn’t bear the pain anymore. I knew all of these as facts. However, I refused to believe that at some point in my life, I would be faced with all these facts.

I lived life trying to hide my flaws. I lived life refusing to accept that there were some things I couldn’t change. So, sometimes when I was in my bedroom alone at night, I had to face my demons. And oh, these demons were the worst kind of demons because they came from inside me. They told me that I was not good enough. They said I was not smart enough and I was not beautiful enough. They told me that everyone would reject me and I would be left all alone. I was depressed and lonely and at some point, i became suicidal. There were so many days I put the knife against my skin and there were days I used the jagged end of a broken glass to rub against my thighs.

I was very lost. My soul wandered around trying to find help. There were days that my pain was so much that I would become a completely different person. My pain became a person.

Then, my heart got broken and that feeling of rejection and never being good enough surfaced again

One day…

My soul woke up. It was like I had seen a new dawn. My eyes were opening and I saw the light and I realised that I am beautiful beyond measure and I am strong beyond belief and I deserve much more than I am given.

And yes…I have learnt to accept this woman that I see in front of the mirror everyday and I am learning to embrace my flaws and accept that there are some things I cannot change. I have also realised that every thing that has happened in my past is all bits and pieces of who I am today and the woman that I would grow to be.

So yes…

I am that woman that is so careless and clumsy that she breaks everything in her way

Yes, I am that woman that is so messy and never lays her bed in the morning

Yes, I am that woman that was molested as a kid and made to feel like an object

Yes, i am that woman that got heart broken and betrayed by the one she loved and cared about most.

Yes, I am that woman that felt rejected by everyone

Yes, I am that woman that cried myself to sleep and wanted to drown myself in alcohol

Yes, I am that woman that almost killed herself time and time again

Yes, I am that woman that loves God more than anything else in the world but most of the time loses her way

Yes, I am that woman that talks and talks more than she sleeps

Yes, I am that woman that chooses to believe that Bruno Mars is her best friend

But…

I am also that woman that wears her heart on a sleeve

I am that woman that tries to be the best friend she can be

I am that woman that is learning to believe everyday that she is beautiful

I am also that woman that is learning to understand that she deserves respect

I am that woman that tries to better herself everyday

I am that woman who was not built to break

I am that woman that has embraced her weirdness and her quirkiness

I am that woman who is learning to forgive and find peace…

I am that woman that believes so much in her strength because she is brave enough to be vulnerable

And I am that woman who will apologise when she is wrong but will never apologise for who she is

Hi, Nice to meet you,

I AM DOLAPO

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3 Comments

  1. “I am that woman that believes so much in her strength because she is brave enough to be vulnerable” bless your heart Dolapo. Writing this alone is proof of your inner strength.

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