Who Am I? – DOLAPO

by dolly21

who-am-i2

Today is the day and I must admit I am a little nervous but I am going to brave it out. To kick things off, it makes sense that I start with my own story so here it goes. For the next couple of days, a different story will be uploaded everyday at 8.30am (BST). Thank you

WHO AM I?

Up until a few months ago, I thought I knew the answer to this question. Actually, I knew I didn’t know but I wanted to believe that I knew. So, in order to do this, I went about my business everyday wearing a mask. This mask was on from the moment I woke up in the morning till I went to bed at night. I never took this mask off and so with time, I actually started to believe that this mask I was wearing depicted the real me.

There were certain facts about life that I knew. I knew that life could be cruel. I knew that people could come into your life and break you and then leave you to put the pieces back together. I knew that there were people that went through pain everyday and ended their lives because they couldn’t bear the pain anymore. I knew all of these as facts. However, I refused to believe that at some point in my life, I would be faced with all these facts.

I lived life trying to hide my flaws. I lived life refusing to accept that there were some things I couldn’t change. So, sometimes when I was in my bedroom alone at night, I had to face my demons. And oh, these demons were the worst kind of demons because they came from inside me. They told me that I was not good enough. They said I was not smart enough and I was not beautiful enough. They told me that everyone would reject me and I would be left all alone. I was depressed and lonely and at some point, i became suicidal. There were so many days I put the knife against my skin and there were days I used the jagged end of a broken glass to rub against my thighs.

I was very lost. My soul wandered around trying to find help. There were days that my pain was so much that I would become a completely different person. My pain became a person.

Then, my heart got broken and that feeling of rejection and never being good enough surfaced again

One day…

My soul woke up. It was like I had seen a new dawn. My eyes were opening and I saw the light and I realised that I am beautiful beyond measure and I am strong beyond belief and I deserve much more than I am given.

And yes…I have learnt to accept this woman that I see in front of the mirror everyday and I am learning to embrace my flaws and accept that there are some things I cannot change. I have also realised that every thing that has happened in my past is all bits and pieces of who I am today and the woman that I would grow to be.

So yes…

I am that woman that is so careless and clumsy that she breaks everything in her way

Yes, I am that woman that is so messy and never lays her bed in the morning

Yes, I am that woman that was molested as a kid and made to feel like an object

Yes, i am that woman that got heart broken and betrayed by the one she loved and cared about most.

Yes, I am that woman that felt rejected by everyone

Yes, I am that woman that cried myself to sleep and wanted to drown myself in alcohol

Yes, I am that woman that almost killed herself time and time again

Yes, I am that woman that loves God more than anything else in the world but most of the time loses her way

Yes, I am that woman that talks and talks more than she sleeps

Yes, I am that woman that chooses to believe that Bruno Mars is her best friend

But…

I am also that woman that wears her heart on a sleeve

I am that woman that tries to be the best friend she can be

I am that woman that is learning to believe everyday that she is beautiful

I am also that woman that is learning to understand that she deserves respect

I am that woman that tries to better herself everyday

I am that woman who was not built to break

I am that woman that has embraced her weirdness and her quirkiness

I am that woman who is learning to forgive and find peace…

I am that woman that believes so much in her strength because she is brave enough to be vulnerable

And I am that woman who will apologise when she is wrong but will never apologise for who she is

Hi, Nice to meet you,

I AM DOLAPO

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