Those that read my blog constantly probably already know who Akunna is. Writing brought us together and we have grown to be close friends who talk about almost anything. She is an outstanding writer and she is someone I love, respect and admire
WHO AM I?
I’ve been on a quest to figure out who I am for quite some time now. Y’know, am I…
Emotional, not emotional?
Easy to read, evasive and difficult to figure out?
My journey wasn’t at all bad however the way that I came about it wasn’t particularly what I’ll recommend others to do. I have done all sorts of stupid things really. From spending over £200 at once on mac products (even though I knew nothing about makeup at the time) to diving deep into a relationship which I sort of lost myself in. Now, 200 may not be a lot of money to majority of you but, when you start to estimate the the price of one cup of garri prepped for drinking, you will understand my struggle. In between those extremes were a few things that I’d rather take to my grave.
It’s been a long road and this is supposed to be the part where I thank The Lord for allowing me figure out who I am. Eek false. I haven’t had any questions answered and it’s probably because none of the questions I’ve been asking ever really mattered in the first place.
I shouldn’t have said I haven’t gotten my answers in the previous paragraph because this post is supposed to talk about who I believe I am. Well, I’ll be sure to add that bit in at the end.
With a surprisingly large number of failed ‘love’ associations, a really short list of cooking recipes at the back of my mind and now a school record that shows everything but consistency, I wouldn’t blame you if you’ve decided to conclude that I have failed as a woman. To be more precise, failed as a lover, a future mother/wife and even possibly, a student. I must be such a waste of space huh? Well, I beg to differ…I am absolutely brilliant in a way that almost always messes up my life but, I didn’t choose this fabulous quality of mine.
For years and years, I looked at myself with the lowest possible amount of respect. I would stare in the mirror and loathe the image that stared right back at me because I only considered myself to be everything negative. Who was I at that point? I was an ugly, uninteresting excuse of a woman who lacked everything including a good enough brain to compete with the rest of her mates that were already ahead of her. This sounds like a joke now because, omg I’m simply amazing but that was me at the start of my journey. I had to learn to love myself, learn to appreciate me, learn to respect me, and ultimately learn to know who I really am.
I would love to share with you my discovery along this quest of mine because I really cannot keep it to myself. However, I grew to realise that none of the variable combinations of the 21 consonants and 5 vowels could really be used to describe me. But try, i must. Am I not beyond blessed? One thing I struggle with is writing how I feel in plain, basic sentences without rhyme or rhythm so, here’s yet another poem for you 🙂
I have ever so often tried to find myself in the boys that have once been my associates
But I am not the hand that lingers on my quivering body at night
I am not the eye that fails to see beyond my physical form
And then I realised that I could search high and low
Look through both the young and old
But I’ll never find who I really am without looking within my soul
So I started my year of exploration
It took me a while but time is nothing when there’s dedication
I am the pain in my soul
The tear drops streaking down my cheek
Each episode a little worse than the previous
I am emotions
I am the smile on my face
The fine lines that curve around my lips
The thoughts in my heart and voices in my head
The anger and tantrums and hurt that I bear
I am human
I am the lyrics to my favourite song
The tune which I have grown so accustomed to
The unique back and forth swaying of my hips
Memories which come flooding in
I am music
I am the sun that brightens up the world during the day
The moon which reveals destined paths at night
The wind ruffling the trees
From chilly ice hails to cool breeze
I am nature’s beauty
I am the unspoken words that diffuse through the walls of my heart
Sometimes inspirational yet miserable
Effortlessly writing down the unthinkable
From each alliteration, paradox and hyperbole used
It’s safe to say..
I am my own poetry
Above all things, I am me
I am not my ‘used to be’ not my past
I am who I currently am and all that I could be
All that I want to be
All that I will inevitably be
Confident yet humble
Fierce yet tamed
Overjoyed but composed
Although a sinner, ultimately blessed
I AM AKUNNA