Dolly Writes

Journey of a growing woman

Month: September, 2014

WE ARE HERE

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I have been very inspired by the ‘we are here’ movement that Alicia Keys has started. If you don’t know what it is, keep reading because I am about to break it down for you.

Alicia Keys released this song recently to promote peace in the world especially in light of what is going on in Gaza at the moment and also the issues that Nigeria is facing with the whole #BringBackOurGirls situation. I don’t think I have really witnessed so much calamity going on in the world as I have seen in recent times.

ISIS is beheading people and broadcasting it to the world, children are being kidnapped in Nigeria and innocents are being killed in Gaza and its extremely sad to witness all of this.

In this video, Alicia Keys gave an explanation as to why she wrote this beautiful song. It started with a question: Why Are You Here?

When you think about it, this question is really deep and I thought about it for days before coming up with the answer that I put above.

‘I AM HERE TO GIVE AND RECEIVE HAPPINESS’. Making people happy is something I enjoy. A warm feeling comes over me when I see that I put a smile on someone’s face. That feeling is so beautiful that I get moved to tears almost all the time. It’s one of the things that motivates me to keep writing because when I get messages from people saying, ‘Thank you’ or ‘You have inspired me’, It is the most beautiful feeling.

However, there was a point in my life that I wasn’t happy. I enjoyed making people happy but I couldn’t find it in me to be happy. After a while, I realised that I too, deserve happiness and I am in this world not only to give it but to receive as well.

I decided to take part in this movement because I am inspired by it and I stand and believe in what Alicia Keys is promoting. There is too much devastation going on in the world and with each one of us coming together and standing together, its a step in the right direction.

I implore everyone that reads this to take part in this movement and join hands with the rest of us to promote peace.

P.S. Alicia Keys is giving me ‘hippie’ and ‘Alicia Keys 2001’ with her hair and I am LOVINGGGGG it.

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Beach Life

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It’s amazing how different people can be
And yet we can somehow think the same way.
Different people with different backgrounds
converging in one spot to feel sane
because there is just something about a huge body of water
that reminds us all that life could be much worse
and we should appreciate what we got.

There are the crazy teenage girls who just want to take insane selfies
For memories and for instagram of course.

There are the crazy teenage boys who just want to throw pebbles in the water
and take a lovely swim.

There are the lovers who are coming here to remind themselves that
maybe someday their love could be as wide and deep as the ocean.

Then, you see the old geezer with his shirt off,
enjoying the water.
And just as you start to feel a tiny bit disgusted,
you turn around and you see his wife give him a smile.
And then you realise that she still finds him as sexy as the first time she met him.

Then, there are those who just stare at the waters,
maybe wondering how it would feel to be that free.

And then there is me,
who just wants to sit
and find some inspiration
and write
and tell myself that maybe there is some place over these waters that is just right for me.

The Death of Switch

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So basically, I wrote this really insane story early yesterday morning. It started out as an idea and before I knew it, the story developed a life of its own. Lol. In a way, the story doesn’t make much sense but I decided that I’ll share it with you guys anyway because you lot are oh so understanding. Enjoy!

Everyone has a weakness.
And for the longest time, Switch had tried to let go of anything that could make her weak
Relationships, Family, Friends, Locations, anything at all.
However, as a human drops a weakness, something else slowly makes its way up as one.
And switch’s weakness was, believe it or not, the red velvet cake made by Pendejo’s in Armon city.
Work took her everywhere.
She was a trained assassin and she was the best in her field.
It helped that she absolutely loved her job.
She loved the rush of adrenaline she felt when she watched life drain from her victim’s eyes.
She loved inventing new ways to perform this art.
She once killed someone with the thorn from a rose.
All she had to do was poison it.
She was clean.
She didn’t like guns very much.
She only used them when she felt like she had absolutely run out of options which was ever so rare.
She also felt that guns were for weaklings; for people who didn’t make an effort
Guns were too easy and they could also be traceable if there were mistakes.
She wanted to do something to make her feel like she was making an effort,
Like dissolving a body in acid.
She had grown up homeless and alone and had to find ways to fend for and defend herself.
That is until she met H who promised her a better life.
He taught her History, Literature, Art, Math, Languages and even Music.
The job required her to be very knowledgable.
He also taught her how to kill.
He taught her how to use guns and other techniques such as making a murder appear as a suicide.
She had never had anyone pay so much attention to her and so she wanted to please H.
And so she worked hard to impress him and it worked.
He was proud of her and in time she became a part of his organisation.
She had caused the deaths of many politicians and millionaires.
She didn’t ask questions.
She went where the money was.
And now in Armon city, she had to destroy a man.
Coming here always made her feel good.
She never stayed in the same hotel twice.
And she made sure to never form any attachments.
H had also taught her to never form any relationships with anyone, even him.
Even now, they only spoke once a year.
When he wanted to give her a job, he left her code messages through the most random people.
Could be the mailman or the concierge.
In truth, these people had no idea that they were delivering these messages.
Armon City had made her feel something she never felt elsewhere.
And the day she tasted Pendejo’s red velvet cake,
She was in heaven.
And she made sure she ate it anytime she came around.
It was the one thing, she let her guard down for.
It is little wonder that when death came for her,
it came in the form of Pendejo’s red velvet cake.

Vulnerability Is My Bitch

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Once upon a time, I used to be afraid of how vulnerable I was. People and society made me believe that vulnerability equalled weakness and it carried on being a burden for me.

I used to wish that I was one of those people that could completely carry on with life while blocking off all my emotions. However, I just couldn’t block out my feelings. I had to cry and I had to be weak. Not releasing my emotions made me very toxic. And normally, I have problems reacting to anger. I don’t exactly know how to express my anger and that already, makes me a toxic person. So, think of how dangerous and how acidic I can be when I have repressed emotions and repressed anger.

Recently,I grew to understand that vulnerability wasn’t weakness. Vulnerability is strength. Do you know how strong you have to be to be vulnerable? Do you know how strong you have to be to have to accept being emotionally out-there? Literally, it means that you can handle the humiliation that comes with it. You can accept that you have to be weak to be strong.

My vulnerability is what makes me passionate and being passionate about something is the most beautiful thing in the world. I am not afraid to be the vulnerable one in the relationship. I am not embarrassed when my friends say, ‘Dolly is too emotional’.Nahh. Maybe before, I was. But now, I carry it with pride because I know that I get to live life.

You don’t have to agree with me. No one has to. However, that’s the way I have chosen to view life. I get to experience these things. I get to experience the pain that comes with heartbreak, betrayal and all of that and I know that when I am done feeling that pain, I AM DONE.

I believe that people need to show their emotions, no matter what it is – sadness, pain, anger and all that jazz because it is what makes us stronger.

Don’t be like me and repress your anger. I am trying to deal with that. However, I advice ya’ll to express anything that you feel. It is what makes life worth it.

Resentment

A few months ago, I was in a really really dark place. I wanted to die. Getting hurt is never easy. I kept on seeing visuals in my head and they almost destroyed me.

Not only was I hurt by the one person I had given all of me to, I was also hurt by someone I considered a friend. I mean, I have sort of moved on from it and it doesn’t really hurt anymore but its something that I can never forget.

That feeling of not being good enough can really mess with your head, you know. I have grown to see this incident as a learning experience and in a way, I am grateful for it happening because I have really changed but at the time, it wasn’t easy.

This song describes exactly how I was feeling at the time and even sometimes, when I listen to it, memories come flooding back. However, I understand that it had to happen for me to understand certain things about life.

I used to blame myself for it happening. I thought it was all my fault but now I realise that I was not to blame at all. Those that hurt me just didn’t know how to handle something as great as me.

In a way, I am at peace with it and I understand.

What If I Don’t Wake Up Tomorrow?

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One of my favourite blogger friends, Tomi wrote a piece on depression a few weeks ago and it is something that I can relate to because for the most part of my life, I have been depressed.

I have never really been able to allow myself to truly be happy and its something that has really bothered me. For about two days this week, I locked myself up in my room and cried and cried because I found myself in that unhappy place again.

I wondered what was wrong with me and suddenly something struck. What if I wasn’t meant to live long on earth? Boom! It seemed like the perfect explanation as to my constant unhappiness. I mean, I have always felt really drawn to Marilyn Monroe and Lisa ‘Left Eye’ Lopes – both women, died at an early age – for so long without really understanding why. I delight in making others happy and not myself and I had been having re-ocurring crazy dreams that made me afraid of sleeping at night. I, mean it felt like the perfect explanation and it freaked the helllllll out of me.

Do you know how it feels to come to that sort of realisation? Do you now understand that I had reached rock-bottom? I emailed my pastor about how I was feeling and he prayed for me and encouraged me. I did feel better.

However, in that state of despair, I realised one thing. The truth is, I want to live for as long as possible. I want to go through every phase of life. I want to work, get married, have kids, go through menopause, have saggy breasts, watch my children get married, be a fabulous grandma and finally when its my time, hopefully, I get to leave the world in peace and go be with my Father. I also hope to have left a legacy behind. I want all of this for my life. However, I spend too much time worrying about the future…Way too much.

Understanding that tomorrow is not promised for anyone, including myself is really life-changing. I know now that I have to live everyday like its my very last. I have to be nice to people, not hold on to grudges, see the world, play in the sun, dance in the rain and see everyday as a gift from God.

It’s easier said than done to be honest because we are humans and as humans, we forget. It’s okay to forget. God never created us to be perfect. However, when we do remember that to wake up everyday is a miracle, let us get down on our knees and say the words ‘Thank you’. Go on to live that day as if tomorrow will not exist for you.