THE PLAN

dyed hair

So I had this grand idea…
This plan…
That was going to be life-changing
It was going to be mind-blowing
It was genius!
I had finally found a solution to this age-old problem of mine.
The plan was to change the colour of my hair.

YES!
That was the plan.
I believed that changing my hair would change me.
Changing my hair will make me a totally different person.
Changing my hair will change my life and I will be brand new.
In my head, this was a brilliant plan
And I didn’t give two fucks on what anyone else was going to think.

I knew the risks.
It could turn out bad.
Like really bad!
Like, I-could-lose-all-my-hair bad.
Like, I-could-look-very-ugly bad.
But I didn’t care.
This plan had to work.
It was all I had left.

So I went ahead with it.
I endured a few laughs from friends.
I endured some are-you-crazy looks
I didn’t care.
Because it was going to be worth it.
My life was going to change
For the better.

I had a friend cut my hair down lower
And my friends were amazed at how excited I was
When all the hair came off.
They didn’t understand.
This was it!
This was the moment that will change my life.
This was the moment that will turn my frowns upside down.
This was the moment that will make me never shed a tear again.
This was the moment that happiness was going to become me.

However, I was wrong.
My plan didn’t work.
It didn’t change me.
As I was taking a journey from Brighton to Buckingham,
I kept on looking at my reflection in the window
It was me…just a blonder looking me.
I didn’t change.

Then I realised that changing my hair was not going to change my life.
That really stung!.
I really thought it would.
I realised that I just needed something I could control;
Something that I could change since I couldn’t change my mess of a life.
And it was my hair.

My hair is not afraid to take risks.
My hair makes me brave and strangely confident sometimes.
My hair is the one thing that embraces change.
My hair enjoys LIVING
At the risk of looking ugly,
And even at the risk of losing itself.

The Plan might have actually worked.
Maybe not in the way I expected…
But at least, it gave me a chance.

TOXIC

577199-murderknife-1373935201-734-640x480

I loved him
I really did
Hard to believe now from where I stand
But it is for this reason that I did what I did
I gave him the best part of me
And even the parts that I was afraid of showing to the world,
I showed to him because
I really did believe that he loved me too
And he will never hurt me
I envisioned a life with him

Until the day I saw the text messages
And everything became a lie.
Not only had he broken my heart,
He had taken my memories too.
He had robbed me of everything.

But I stayed because I believed him when he said he had changed
I believed him when he said he will never hurt me
But time and time again
He broke me.

So many lies
So many women
Why couldn’t he just let me go?
Why did he have to put me through this pain
Over and over again?

I became so numb
And my pain
My pain….robbed me of every joy
I knew I didn’t deserve this sort of pain
But I didn’t know if I could get any better

I honestly didn’t mean to do it
I didn’t mean to kill him
I didn’t mean to see life drain from his eyes when I plunged the knife into him
I loved him..I just snapped
I wanted to release the pain and he was just there
Taunting me with his lies
Telling me he loved me when I knew he didn’t
And I couldn’t take it any more
I just couldn’t…