HE SPOKE

God_speaks_by_yentl16

“When a woman is about to give birth, she is sad because her hour of suffering has come; but when the baby is born, she forgets her suffering, because she is happy that a baby has been born into the world.”  –   John 16:21 (GNB)

You know how I mentioned that this year was one of the worst years ever?

Scratch that! It was the worst one ever At least in as long as I can remember.

It was painful and it was too much

It was like I kept on moving from one painful scenario to the next.

Basically, it was terrible.

And during this time, like I mentioned in earlier posts,

I drifted away from religion.

God and I have been having this weird relationship going on;

Well, weird on my part.

Anyway, I haven’t been to church in months

But I went to church yesterday

Not because i wanted to go but I sort of kinda had to.

But I’m glad I did because God had a message for me.

You see, when I got there yesterday morning, I wasn’t really participating;

I wasn’t feeling it. Even when the pastor started preaching, I wasn’t getting anything from it.

But God, being the one with the sense of humour sent me a message.

The pastor during the sermon, read the above scripture.

And at first, it didn’t make any sense

But the pastor kept repeating, “Her time has come, Her time has come”

And then it hit me.

In my mind, I was like “hang on a minute, whatchu tryna say here?”

Then the pastor explained that pain is preparing me for the joy that is coming.

It was like I could hear the message God was trying to give me.

Then the pastor went on to say that

“If you never felt any pain, you are carrying something dead;

Your pain is an indication that there is life in you”

And that really stuck!

God spoke to me!

He really did which is crazy because

I have been a pain in his behind lately.

But it made me make sense of anything.

It didn’t make me hope since I have become so much of a cynic these day

But it made me make sense of things.

I don’t know what the future holds and

I am just going with the flow really…

But I just shared this because I felt really blessed and honoured yesterday.

Up until like, earlier this year,

I wondered how it was that I would ask God stuff and He won’t even talk to me.

I don’t see the dreams, I don’t hear His voice;

Why isn’t he talking to me? T

hen yesterday, I realised that, He speaks in certain ways.

You could be having a conversation with a friend

and (s)he will say something randomly most times, without even realising it

But that thing will be an answer to a question you have been asking.

There are other ways too.

Sometimes, its just a random thought that pops up in your head.

It’s pretty amazing.

He spoke to me yesterday… He really did.

Posted in God

SUCH STUFF THAT DREAMS ARE MADE OF

You know what I want?

I want a world where…

I can move around without being judged

That I can be loved the way I love

That I can’t live in fear of my eternity

I don’t ask for much in this world

I didn’t ask to be here

I didn’t ask to suffer pain

But now I am here

I realise that it is all a part of my story

But really, all i truly want

Is to be happy

And I just don’t want to cry so often

‘You’re strong, You’ll be fine’

I hate hearing that sometimes

Yeah, I know I’m strong

But if I am strong for everyone else

Who would be strong for me?

Sometimes, I just need someone else to be strong for me

Not to just assume that I can handle it

Alas!

It is ‘Such Stuff That Dreams Are Made Of’

STRAIGHT FROM THE <3

image_SFH

I love to bake.

I have always loved it.

I’m not exactly sure why but ever since I was little, I loved the idea of baking.

I guess there is something magical about creating something sweet from scratch.

I love to cook too.

I love it so much.

These two things keep me sane.

They keep me from falling apart.

One day, I stayed up all night cooking and baking.

There was another night that I broke down in tears when I could not figure out how to make a red velvet cake from scratch.

I felt like I had disappointed myself.

You wondering if there is a point to all this talk about baking and cooking?

Maybe, I don’t know. We’ll see.

I love to write obviously.

Writing is my life.

I read this short story recently called The Yellow Wallpaper by a woman named Charlotte Perkins Gilman.

It is a story about a woman that we see descend into mental health through her eyes.

The inspiration for this story was based off of the author’s life experience.

She suffered from a severe nervous breakdown and her physician prescribed the ‘rest cure.’

He told her that she should never write again for as long as she lived and to keep her life as domestic as possible.

And she did.

Until she discovered that she was losing herself and she could not take it anymore. She had to write and The Yellow Wallpaper was born.

I don’t know what I would do if someone told me that I could never write again.

I mean, I’m not a professional writer and I honestly don’t feel like I am very good at it most times but taking this outlet away from me will be a disaster.

Writing has saved my life. It really has. It is a way to vent and to release stress.

When I was entering the new year, I thought this year was going to be amazing.

I had a feeling.

It felt like this year would be the best i had ever experienced.

I was wrong!

It turned out to be one of the worst.

I experienced pain. Real pain!

I changed drastically.

I retreated.

I have always been a loner

I am a loner by nature really. My mum even says that.

It is weird though because I never started out as one.

When I was younger, I loved to play and go out.

I would disturb my dad and my mum and my aunts, uncles, cousins…Anyone that cared to listen really

That i wanted to go out. I wanted to go to the amusement park or a friend’s house.

I always wanted to be out of the house.

One day, it was like I had a complete turn-around.

I don’t know how old I was but I think it’s around the age of 8,

I suddenly didn’t feel the need to go out so much.

When my siblings decided to go see friends, I’ll stay home.

It started very slowly and it has grown over the years and now,

I’m a total bore and some call me a buzzkill. Lol.

I’m fine with it.

I don’t go clubbing very much because quite frankly, I’m not such a big fan.

However, I like to go every now and then.

I can honestly say that throughout this year, I have gone to the club just twice.

I have gone for some school parties but that’s about it really.

I like to drink alcohol but socially. I’m not the type to drink alone.

Except if its red wine.

That, I love.

I don’t really go out of school so much.

I am mostly indoors watching a show or sleeping or cooking.

Anyway, like I was saying, this year changed me.

People hurt me and in all fairness, I didn’t deserve it.

I really didn’t.

I’m not saying I’m the most amazing person on earth but I try to be good and it hurt that for some people,

Being good to them is never enough. In fact, if for anything, it is a chance for them to hurt you.

That experience made me bitter for a long time.

I have only gotten to the point where I don’t really think about it and even when I do, my heart doesn’t ache anymore.

I don’t look at people the same anymore.

Apart from this situation, I lost another friend.

A friend that i thought, I’ll never lose.

I still love her and I know she loves me but I recently realised that we outgrew each other – That hurt

Cause, with her, I genuinely thought it will last forever. But oh well!

People, in general showed their true selves to me.

There is this short story I read recently called The Blue Lenses by Daphne Du Maurier (I know, her name is amazing)

Anyway, it was about this woman that could not see for a while and then one day, the doctor put some lenses in her eyes,

Which was supposed to fix this problem. And it did. There was just one problem!

She could see human beings. They had legs and hands and everything but then when she looked at their heads,

It was of an animal.

It was through this, she realised that her husband and her nurse were not really rooting for her.

Her husband’s head was a vulture and her nurse’s head was a snake.

Point of this is, like this woman, I could see people. Not just look at them, see them for what they really were.

I wish I could go into detail every single thing that happened this year that wasn’t so awesome

But I am trying to respect every other person involved.

So I won’t.

Everyone has their own story to tell. Some things are too sensitive and I don’t want to start saying my story and then mistakenly tell another person’s story.

I cut my hair shorter this year and I dyed my hair different twice. Some people loved it and some people hated it but it really wasn’t about what any other person thought.

It was for me and I hated when people tried to make me feel like I was crazy.

Thanks for the concern but really, they didn’t know how I was feeling and why I did what I did.

Better to change my hair colour than to slit my wrist right?

Yeah, I knew you would agree with me.

I became more of a cynic.

Always thinking negatively.

Truth is I didn’t want to be disappointed. That’s why.

On my birthday, I cried a lot.

Lol.

My 18th birthday last year was so amazing that I thought my 18th year would be one of the best of my life but I was wrong.

So, on my 19th, I couldn’t really celebrate because I was scared of the future.

Then, I drifted away from God a little bit this year. Actually a lot bit.

I know God wants the best for me but I have had a difficult time understanding Christianity of late.

So right now, my religious life is a work in progress.

And finally, the one thing I realised this entire year

was that

I was never seen.

People looked at me but didn’t see me.

They didn’t see me. They didn’t see me for who I was and what I was.

People failed to see me.

And that hurt the most.

I have said a lot in this post today! I just wanted to write and get it off my chest. Just cause I had a shitty year doesn’t mean that things will still not get better.  I am grateful to every one that takes the time out to read what I write. I am not an accomplished writer. Half the shit I write is not the least bit creative and it makes me so glad that people still read. You could be reading something else but you read my shit. *In DJ Khaled’s voice*: “You smart, You loyal, I appreciate that.” Lol. I’m fooling yo! But really, I appreciate you guys. It means the world to me. I don’t know if I will write on New year’s Eve, I feel like this already covered it all but if I feel the inspiration to write something else, I will. Merry Christmas to you beautiful people. You all save my life more and more everyday. Have a lovely time this holiday and May we all step into the New Year together. Merry Christmas everyone and a Happy New Year.

Posted in 19

ME AND GOD

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I have gotten to a stage in my life where I begin to question everything and I mean, everything.

I was born into a Christian home and so naturally, I had to carry out all the necessities of being a Christian. I went to church with my family. I went to Sunday School and I even went to Bible Club on Saturdays. I had to do all these things because my parents chose them for me. They wanted to bring my siblings and I up as Christians and I went along with it because I believed that that is what I was supposed to believe.

However, I have never really had a moment where I felt like a Christian which is weird because I always believed that I was a strong christian teenager. I was the Christian worship prefect in my school and long before that, my friends saw me as a religious person.

Don’t get it twisted. I know a lot from the Bible. I can tell you Bible stories in a way that will make you feel like you are listening to the latest gossip. I can look at any Bible story and bring out life lessons from them and I can teach on the Bible but between God and I, we were yet to have a moment. We still are.

I am one of those people that believe that as human beings, we all need to believe in something. In this crazy world, you have to have faith in something. And I do. I believe that God exists. No one can ever convince me otherwise. I believe so strongly that God exists. In fact I believe that God exists more than I believe that there is blood running through my veins. My faith is that strong at the very least and I have seen God show himself in the tiniest situations and that makes me believe in him more.

I have have heard of situations where men that were crippled could suddenly walk and diseases that seemed permanent suddenly disappear. To me though, that is not the real miracle. The real miracle is when I look at my brother and he tells the silliest jokes or I look at my sister and she feels like she is Beyonce or I look at my little cousin and he is trying to gain everyone’s attention by faking a sneeze. That is the real miracle.

Last year, my cousin was pregnant with her second child, Baby Christabelle. I was visiting her at the time and we were sitting on different couches watching Tv. Then she looked at me and said: “Have you ever felt a baby kick before?” I shook my head and she told me to come sit next to her. Then she put my hands on her stomach and at first I couldn’t feel anything. For some reason, I assumed that it was only the mother that felt the kick and movies just used to deceive us that others could feel it. After, a few seconds though, I felt her kick, HARD and I was in awe. That was a miracle. How a baby can kick her mother in the womb and never remember it is oh so beautiful.

There was a moment when I read something pretty amazing on Buzzfeed

And I broke down in tears for about an hour because I realised that I am made too perfectly for God not to exist.

The universe is made too perfectly

Everything goes in its place.

And I do not underestimate the power of science but

Ain’t nobody in the world can tell me that evolution did that

Look at the way our minds work

How our brains can fit in so much infomation and so much memories

How our souls can connect

God did that!

Even I can acknowledge his existence.

God and I…we have our own sort of relationship

And it is far from perfect

I don’t really go to church anymore

And the truth is, I haven’t found a reason to

I only go when I am with my family

And yes, you could judge me if you want

But it doesn’t change a thing

For me, I need to understand what it means to be a Christian

There are so many grey areas that I can’t make sense of

Religion is confusing me

I know God is Love and I know that he is a father, protector and friend

But this thing called religion. I am yet to understand it.

My sister told me recently that some months ago, my mum told her to tell mo re evaluate my spiritual life

Like to get my self in order and I guess, keep going to church.

But you see, what my mum doesn’t understand is that

I yearn to know

I want to understand who God is and what this Christian life is all about

Without that, going to church will just be a waste of time

I talk to God, I really do

And I ask him a whole bunch of questions

He doesn’t really talk to me so much because

I have been yelling at Him a lot lately.

But sometimes, He answers some of my questions

By putting a thought in my head or by bringing some information my way

And gradually, it makes sense just a little bit

I felt like I needed to share this a little because I know that most people go through those doubting phases

This is to everyone that shares this experience with me

In time, we will understand.

Link that put things in perspective: http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/the-universe-is-scary

Posted in God