I have gotten to a stage in my life where I begin to question everything and I mean, everything.
I was born into a Christian home and so naturally, I had to carry out all the necessities of being a Christian. I went to church with my family. I went to Sunday School and I even went to Bible Club on Saturdays. I had to do all these things because my parents chose them for me. They wanted to bring my siblings and I up as Christians and I went along with it because I believed that that is what I was supposed to believe.
However, I have never really had a moment where I felt like a Christian which is weird because I always believed that I was a strong christian teenager. I was the Christian worship prefect in my school and long before that, my friends saw me as a religious person.
Don’t get it twisted. I know a lot from the Bible. I can tell you Bible stories in a way that will make you feel like you are listening to the latest gossip. I can look at any Bible story and bring out life lessons from them and I can teach on the Bible but between God and I, we were yet to have a moment. We still are.
I am one of those people that believe that as human beings, we all need to believe in something. In this crazy world, you have to have faith in something. And I do. I believe that God exists. No one can ever convince me otherwise. I believe so strongly that God exists. In fact I believe that God exists more than I believe that there is blood running through my veins. My faith is that strong at the very least and I have seen God show himself in the tiniest situations and that makes me believe in him more.
I have have heard of situations where men that were crippled could suddenly walk and diseases that seemed permanent suddenly disappear. To me though, that is not the real miracle. The real miracle is when I look at my brother and he tells the silliest jokes or I look at my sister and she feels like she is Beyonce or I look at my little cousin and he is trying to gain everyone’s attention by faking a sneeze. That is the real miracle.
Last year, my cousin was pregnant with her second child, Baby Christabelle. I was visiting her at the time and we were sitting on different couches watching Tv. Then she looked at me and said: “Have you ever felt a baby kick before?” I shook my head and she told me to come sit next to her. Then she put my hands on her stomach and at first I couldn’t feel anything. For some reason, I assumed that it was only the mother that felt the kick and movies just used to deceive us that others could feel it. After, a few seconds though, I felt her kick, HARD and I was in awe. That was a miracle. How a baby can kick her mother in the womb and never remember it is oh so beautiful.
There was a moment when I read something pretty amazing on Buzzfeed
And I broke down in tears for about an hour because I realised that I am made too perfectly for God not to exist.
The universe is made too perfectly
Everything goes in its place.
And I do not underestimate the power of science but
Ain’t nobody in the world can tell me that evolution did that
Look at the way our minds work
How our brains can fit in so much infomation and so much memories
How our souls can connect
God did that!
Even I can acknowledge his existence.
God and I…we have our own sort of relationship
And it is far from perfect
I don’t really go to church anymore
And the truth is, I haven’t found a reason to
I only go when I am with my family
And yes, you could judge me if you want
But it doesn’t change a thing
For me, I need to understand what it means to be a Christian
There are so many grey areas that I can’t make sense of
Religion is confusing me
I know God is Love and I know that he is a father, protector and friend
But this thing called religion. I am yet to understand it.
My sister told me recently that some months ago, my mum told her to tell mo re evaluate my spiritual life
Like to get my self in order and I guess, keep going to church.
But you see, what my mum doesn’t understand is that
I yearn to know
I want to understand who God is and what this Christian life is all about
Without that, going to church will just be a waste of time
I talk to God, I really do
And I ask him a whole bunch of questions
He doesn’t really talk to me so much because
I have been yelling at Him a lot lately.
But sometimes, He answers some of my questions
By putting a thought in my head or by bringing some information my way
And gradually, it makes sense just a little bit
I felt like I needed to share this a little because I know that most people go through those doubting phases
This is to everyone that shares this experience with me
In time, we will understand.
Link that put things in perspective: http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/the-universe-is-scary