I love to bake.
I have always loved it.
I’m not exactly sure why but ever since I was little, I loved the idea of baking.
I guess there is something magical about creating something sweet from scratch.
I love to cook too.
I love it so much.
These two things keep me sane.
They keep me from falling apart.
One day, I stayed up all night cooking and baking.
There was another night that I broke down in tears when I could not figure out how to make a red velvet cake from scratch.
I felt like I had disappointed myself.
You wondering if there is a point to all this talk about baking and cooking?
Maybe, I don’t know. We’ll see.
I love to write obviously.
Writing is my life.
I read this short story recently called The Yellow Wallpaper by a woman named Charlotte Perkins Gilman.
It is a story about a woman that we see descend into mental health through her eyes.
The inspiration for this story was based off of the author’s life experience.
She suffered from a severe nervous breakdown and her physician prescribed the ‘rest cure.’
He told her that she should never write again for as long as she lived and to keep her life as domestic as possible.
And she did.
Until she discovered that she was losing herself and she could not take it anymore. She had to write and The Yellow Wallpaper was born.
I don’t know what I would do if someone told me that I could never write again.
I mean, I’m not a professional writer and I honestly don’t feel like I am very good at it most times but taking this outlet away from me will be a disaster.
Writing has saved my life. It really has. It is a way to vent and to release stress.
When I was entering the new year, I thought this year was going to be amazing.
I had a feeling.
It felt like this year would be the best i had ever experienced.
I was wrong!
It turned out to be one of the worst.
I experienced pain. Real pain!
I changed drastically.
I have always been a loner
I am a loner by nature really. My mum even says that.
It is weird though because I never started out as one.
When I was younger, I loved to play and go out.
I would disturb my dad and my mum and my aunts, uncles, cousins…Anyone that cared to listen really
That i wanted to go out. I wanted to go to the amusement park or a friend’s house.
I always wanted to be out of the house.
One day, it was like I had a complete turn-around.
I don’t know how old I was but I think it’s around the age of 8,
I suddenly didn’t feel the need to go out so much.
When my siblings decided to go see friends, I’ll stay home.
It started very slowly and it has grown over the years and now,
I’m a total bore and some call me a buzzkill. Lol.
I’m fine with it.
I don’t go clubbing very much because quite frankly, I’m not such a big fan.
However, I like to go every now and then.
I can honestly say that throughout this year, I have gone to the club just twice.
I have gone for some school parties but that’s about it really.
I like to drink alcohol but socially. I’m not the type to drink alone.
Except if its red wine.
That, I love.
I don’t really go out of school so much.
I am mostly indoors watching a show or sleeping or cooking.
Anyway, like I was saying, this year changed me.
People hurt me and in all fairness, I didn’t deserve it.
I really didn’t.
I’m not saying I’m the most amazing person on earth but I try to be good and it hurt that for some people,
Being good to them is never enough. In fact, if for anything, it is a chance for them to hurt you.
That experience made me bitter for a long time.
I have only gotten to the point where I don’t really think about it and even when I do, my heart doesn’t ache anymore.
I don’t look at people the same anymore.
Apart from this situation, I lost another friend.
A friend that i thought, I’ll never lose.
I still love her and I know she loves me but I recently realised that we outgrew each other – That hurt
Cause, with her, I genuinely thought it will last forever. But oh well!
People, in general showed their true selves to me.
There is this short story I read recently called The Blue Lenses by Daphne Du Maurier (I know, her name is amazing)
Anyway, it was about this woman that could not see for a while and then one day, the doctor put some lenses in her eyes,
Which was supposed to fix this problem. And it did. There was just one problem!
She could see human beings. They had legs and hands and everything but then when she looked at their heads,
It was of an animal.
It was through this, she realised that her husband and her nurse were not really rooting for her.
Her husband’s head was a vulture and her nurse’s head was a snake.
Point of this is, like this woman, I could see people. Not just look at them, see them for what they really were.
I wish I could go into detail every single thing that happened this year that wasn’t so awesome
But I am trying to respect every other person involved.
So I won’t.
Everyone has their own story to tell. Some things are too sensitive and I don’t want to start saying my story and then mistakenly tell another person’s story.
I cut my hair shorter this year and I dyed my hair different twice. Some people loved it and some people hated it but it really wasn’t about what any other person thought.
It was for me and I hated when people tried to make me feel like I was crazy.
Thanks for the concern but really, they didn’t know how I was feeling and why I did what I did.
Better to change my hair colour than to slit my wrist right?
Yeah, I knew you would agree with me.
I became more of a cynic.
Always thinking negatively.
Truth is I didn’t want to be disappointed. That’s why.
On my birthday, I cried a lot.
My 18th birthday last year was so amazing that I thought my 18th year would be one of the best of my life but I was wrong.
So, on my 19th, I couldn’t really celebrate because I was scared of the future.
Then, I drifted away from God a little bit this year. Actually a lot bit.
I know God wants the best for me but I have had a difficult time understanding Christianity of late.
So right now, my religious life is a work in progress.
And finally, the one thing I realised this entire year
I was never seen.
People looked at me but didn’t see me.
They didn’t see me. They didn’t see me for who I was and what I was.
People failed to see me.
And that hurt the most.
I have said a lot in this post today! I just wanted to write and get it off my chest. Just cause I had a shitty year doesn’t mean that things will still not get better. I am grateful to every one that takes the time out to read what I write. I am not an accomplished writer. Half the shit I write is not the least bit creative and it makes me so glad that people still read. You could be reading something else but you read my shit. *In DJ Khaled’s voice*: “You smart, You loyal, I appreciate that.” Lol. I’m fooling yo! But really, I appreciate you guys. It means the world to me. I don’t know if I will write on New year’s Eve, I feel like this already covered it all but if I feel the inspiration to write something else, I will. Merry Christmas to you beautiful people. You all save my life more and more everyday. Have a lovely time this holiday and May we all step into the New Year together. Merry Christmas everyone and a Happy New Year.