THE DAY I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF
It’s not the easiest thing for me to share stories like this. For those that have been reading my blog for some time, you will notice that sometimes I talk about times when I have been hurt but I never really give any details.
The reason for that is because I always feel embarrassed and ashamed. Also, I know for a fact that my younger sister reads my blog and there are certain things that I don’t want her to know because I don’t want her to feel hurt for me.
However, just a couple of minutes ago, something told me to share this story. My mum believes in self-preservation but for me, I just see it as an avenue to be secretive. I love being an open book because I never want anyone to ever feel like they can use something against me.
This story is not one I wanted to share. I never even thought I would but I guess pigs are flying today.
So, I have been depressed for a really really long time. However, the last two years have been really difficult. I did not like discussing it with people because I have noticed two things:
- I am Nigerian and so I have a lot of Nigerians around me. There are certain things that Nigerians have grown up to believe. One of those things is that: Depression does not exist. I mean, they believe it does but they don’t see it as anything to lose sleep over. So, when I try to tell people that I am depressed. I get reactions like: ‘What do you have to be depressed about?’ So, its safe to say that they don’t understand.
- People get tired. You know, for some one like me, my depression comes and it goes. Okay, I won’t say it goes, I’ll just say, I suppress it well enough to actually believe it’s gone but it always comes back. So, people don’t want to hear your crap over and over and over again all the freaking time. I mean, I get it. That’s why, for the most part, I try not to bother anyone with it.
Sorry, it already seems like a sermon but I just feel like I have to give some kind of backgrounder.
Anyway, some time last year, I was having a really terrible depression moment so I went to the doctor and he gave me some anti-depressants. I really just wanted to be okay.
One night, I was extremely sad and in so much pain and I was just sick and tired of being sick and tired. I don’t understand where the depression comes from. I don’t get it. If I could stop being like this, I would. Anyway, I wanted the pain to go away and even though, I am a christian and I do believe that suicide would not give me a great eternity, I had a temporary lapse of judgement. All I could think about was the pain ending. That was what I wanted. To be honest, I did not really want to die, I just wanted to sleep and not remember.
So, I wrote a suicide note and I went to my bedroom and I took more than a few of my anti-depressants without even really thinking about it and I just lay on my bed in hopes that I would fall into some kind of sleep. But I didn’t and my heart started to beat faster and I snapped out of my temporary insanity and I called 111 – which is some kind of medical helpline.
I told the nurse what I had done. She asked me why but I couldn’t tell her the truth so I just told her that I really just wanted to sleep. She kept on asking me questions but I stuck to my answer. She told me what I took was not enough to cause any panic but she did send an ambulance over to check on me. This was about 3am.
After that, they took me to the hospital because there was no one at home with me and they didn’t want me to be alone. At the hospital, they let me rest for a while and they had some people talk to me but I did not really want to talk so I told them I was alright.
At about 6.30-7, they let me go home.
I was just sad. I just wanted the pain to stop. I don’t think I have really told anyone about this because like I said, it is embarrassing and just pathetic. I just felt like I had to bare a part of my being to the world.
This was not the first time I thought of killing myself, but this was the first time that I came somewhat close. It’s been a while since I have had any kind of suicidal thoughts. Today, though I started to almost wish that I didn’t exist so I guess I used this as some sort of medium.
I am grateful to God for my life and He keeps on giving me chances. It’s just that some days have been so difficult. I hope ya’ll don’t use this post against me. Lol. I just…I try to keep on reminding myself that it does get better. I try and sometimes I pray to God. I just felt a need to share this with you guys.