So I am feeling some kind of way tonight and I just wanted to use this platform to share how I am feeling. I actually wanted to share pictures from my graduation first before discussing anything further but I thought that if I let this stew in me any longer, it will not be great.
So, I have been open about going through depression. It is not cute. It is ugly and frankly, I feel embarrassed about it a lot of times. For the last couple of months – especially after finding God again – I have been doing great. I haven’t really been unhappy. Aside from the moody days every once in a while, I have actually been okay. However, for the last couple of days, depression has started to rear its ugly head again and it just made me sad because it made me realise that this is a battle that I will always have to fight.
So, I noticed that I have a tendency to blame myself for everything. When something goes wrong in my life or an injustice is done to me, I always see myself as the villain. Since late November, I have been praying and reading my Bible everyday but for the last couple of days, I didn’t do that. So, I started telling myself that maybe I am just never going to be good enough, maybe I will never change for the better. Also, I had been talking to a guy who is amazing. Actually, he is better than amazing. He loves God, loves life and is just really chill and when I actually started to consider that maybe, sometime in the future, this could work, it occurred to me that I am not good for him. He is great and God-fearing and well I…I am still trying to find my footing.
Then, I tried to reach out to a friend and when she didn’t get back to me, I started to wonder if there is an issue between us (which I don’t think there is) but this, along with everything else going on in my head, it just pushed me to that place once more. That dark closet that I always try to get out of.
I feel terrible for feeling this way because God has been so good to me and I should be grateful instead of being this way…however, tonight, right before I started writing this, it occurred to me that this is something that I am always going to have to fight. I am always going to have to constantly keep on praying and fighting.
I don’t want to feel this way. If I could figure out how to completely rid myself of this, I will take it but it is just something that I am going to have to deal with. I’ll still keep on leaning on God as best I can because I believe that he loves me and wants me to be happy. I just wanted to share this on here tonight because I needed to air this out. A couple of months ago, I would have sucked it in and you would not hear about it until months later. Lol. However, this is my life right now and I just thought it best to be honest.
Don’t worry, I will share more happy/joyful posts later but I needed to do this. So, thank you for just reading or scrolling through. Means the world to me. ❤