AYO: I find it hard to believe that you were ever depressed

It is so funny to me how fast things can change and you never even realise. That sweater you thought you loved so much two years ago becomes an item that you never even wear anymore. That heartbreak that you thought would last forever becomes a distant memory. There are a lot of things that have changed in my life in the last couple of years and I find myself in a completely different space.

As some of you may know, I am currently doing my national service (NYSC) and yesterday was our CDS which is where we talk about things that we want to do to help the community. Anyway, after our meeting yesterday, I stayed back to hang out with a friend of mine who also happens to work at Punch with me. Ayo and I have a lot in common and even though we have only known each other for a short time, we are always able to talk about anything and everything.

I had mentioned to Ayo that once upon a time in my life, I was very depressed. It is so crazy to me now that I can speak about it in the past tense because I never ever thought that I would ever get out of that hole. The thought of it seemed so impossible to me. As I mentioned this to Ayo, he told me that he finds it very hard to believe that I was ever so depressed.

When he said that, it dawned on me how far I had come. Anyone that knew me during that time knew that I was not always very happy. In fact, anyone that has been reading my blog from as far back as 2013, will know that I went through a very depressive state for a really long time. I was unhappy all the time. I cried all the time and even when I was happy, I was never really happy. It brings tears to my eyes now thinking back to those times because I found it hard to talk about what I was going through. I contemplated suicide so many times. I wanted to die.

When 2016 started, I began to notice a shift. It was a very slight one but it was a shift nonetheless. I could just feel it in my spirit that I was going to be alright. I had an amazing support system in my friends and in my siblings. I was beginning to open up more and share more and even though it was still a difficult year for me, I found it easier to handle. Towards the end of that year, I started to pray more and read my Bible more. Jesus saved my life.

By the end of 2017, I just knew that I was done feeling sorry for myself. I also decided to take each day as it comes. That is and has been my motto. I was going to take baby steps because I know that I have suffered through a mental health issue and if I let it, I would fall back into that filthy, lonely hole again. I have decided to be accepting of what each day brings and try my best not to worry about things that I cannot change. When people tell me that I have adjusted to living back in Nigeria so well, it is honestly just due to the grace of God and in just investing in my personal happiness. I try to laugh as much and as loud as I can because laughter is good for the soul and I try to do things that I enjoy. I do my best to dedicate some time to my Lord each and every day. Some days, I forget but the days I forget cannot be compared to the days I remember.

Don’t get me wrong, there are days that I get upset and I want to cry because things do not go the way that I planned. I allow myself to feel those emotions because I am human after all. However, I try my best to not allow those emotions overwhelm me.

The reason why Ayo can say what he said is because he is experiencing me at the best place that I have ever been. There are days I wake up in the morning and I am not even in the mood and I do not even want anyone to fuck with me that day. Then, I get into work and all I want to do is to tease and laugh with everyone. I can’t even help it anymore. I decided to choose happiness and now, happiness is choosing me.

For those that are going through a difficult time right now, I want you to know that this too shall pass. God got you and I love you and I am always available to listen.

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