Dolly Writes

Journey of a growing woman

Month: February, 2019

I don’t want to settle

I don’t have the best relationship with my father, which is so sad to say because growing up, he was my favourite parent. His relationship with my mum was always rocky but for me as a kid, he felt like a safe place.

My mum was tough on me but he wasn’t. He was easy to be around in a way my mum wasn’t. I probably learnt my do-re-mi’s before I learnt my ABC’s because my dad was into music. He played the keyboard a lot and so most mornings, the sound of music would always be heard around the house.

He played a lot of hymns and so, some of the hymns I know today was heard in my home first before I heard it anywhere else.

He was the one that introduced my siblings and I to weird combos of food and he was the one that cracked jokes and always made me laugh.

My dad was the best. Until things got really bad between him and my mum and he took it out on us – the kids.

Based on my little knowledge on psychology, I know that my relationship with my dad has influenced my choice of men. Not only do I tend to go for men that are significantly older than me but I also seem to always seek validation from them. I go looking for acceptance from them because I did not get that from my father. I tend to go for men who care for me as long as it doesn’t impede on their own desires.

Now, I love my dad very much but there is no doubt that being emotionally abandoned by the very first man in my life affected me tremendously. And let’s not even talk about the molestation that I had endured from some of the men that were around me.

But, I don’t want that to hold me back anymore. I think I am deserving. I am deserving of a good man who loves God and will love and respect me also. I am worth that and much more and I am willing to wait until I get that because up until now, I have only gotten heartache. I don’t want to settle. And I know that in the end, I will get the amazing man that I deserve.

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The Ground Is Shifting

Then the Lord answered me and said, “Record the vision and inscribe it on tablets…”

  • Habbakuk 2:2 (NASB)

When I started blogging about six and a half years ago, it was supposed to be an outlet for me – a way for me to express myself the best way I knew how. At the time, it seemed so easy. I could wake up one day and decide to write something and it would not be a problem for me. I never worried about not being good enough – I just wrote.

Then, by the time I got into uni, things took a left turn for me. I became the most depressed I had ever been in my life and at first, I was still able to pull from my depression to write without any problems, up until I couldn’t.

I had never really been the most secure person or the most confident but when that depression hit, I lost even the little security or confidence that I had. I was in a relationship with someone who repeatedly cheated on me. And I loved him. With every ounce of my being, I loved him even more than myself. That’s where I made the mistake.

I cared more about his happiness than mine and I allowed him walk all over me. This is not in any way meant to bash him because I don’t see him as a bad person even now. But he hurt me so bad. And I lost myself. It was always so easy for me to write because no matter what I was going through, I was never really embarrassed about my feelings.

However, this time I was. He was not the cause of my depression as I also had some other issues that I was dealing with but his actions was a major trigger for me. So, I started finding it difficult to express myself. I was in constant pain. I didn’t know when it started but by the time I realised it, I was already far gone.

I found it difficult to write – the one thing that was my outlet. Can you imagine how horrible that is? And I was just angry at God for such a long time. I still wrote. There are still posts on my blog from those depressing times but believe me when I say, it took great pain to write them.

There were times I really didn’t want to write but it kept drawing me in even though I couldn’t really figure out how to. As at 2017, my depression had already started lifting and I started to write a bit more but I had been embarrassed about my feelings for so long that it had almost become second nature. So, it was definitely going to take some time to get back to me.

Last year, I found it a little bit easier to write (still not all the way there yet but it was an improvement). But then, I got so caught up at work that I could not find the time or the will power to write.

But…God came all the way through in such a beautiful way.

After NYSC, I left Punch and started working at my mother’s logistics company. It is a new company and I was able to be there to help her from the moment the company launched.

Prior to the end of NYSC, I was not sure what I was going to do afterwards. I had always just gone with the flow without really having a clear vision. I knew I wanted to leave Punch. I just felt that my time there was up but I didn’t know what I would do after. When my mum offered me the job to help run it, I was like ‘okay’. I mean, it was something to do and I just figured ‘why not?’ She still has a full-time job and she goes in and out of Lagos often so, I have been running the day-to-day activities.

However, at the beginning of this year, things started to become clearer for me. I felt like this year was my year to just take charge of my life. I wasn’t sure how I was going to do it but I just knew that something had to change. I realised that I was beginning to get older. I mean, I am 23 years old right now and while that is still pretty young, it just feels scary how much time flies in your 20s. I still remember my 18th birthday like it was yesterday and now, I am whole 23 year old woman.

So, I realised that I have to take this ‘adulting’ thing serious from here on out. I need to start saving and making investments and most importantly start following my dreams and that is where God began to show Himself. He actually started by putting all these mini-thoughts in my head; almost like setting things in place.

First off, with the logistics job, I thought I might be in it for a year before I started to consider leaving and I felt Him tell me that when it was time to leave, I would know. I had been trying to start a podcast last year but fear did not let me. Then, a friend of mine, Isaac reached out to me in early January about starting a podcast together and honestly, I wasn’t sure at first. But then, I realised how much sense it made and when we met up for our first meeting, we had such an easy conversation that I knew that this was going to work.

Then, I had said towards the end of last year that I was going to focus more on my script writing. I planned on writing a play and putting it on this year and I had made a pact with my sister to send her a draft by January 15th. When that deadline came, I had not even written a word and it weighed heavily on my mind. On Saturday, 10th Feb, I realised that I needed to start doing the things I loved and really start taking it seriously. By the next day, I felt God telling me that it was time. The time had come. He gave me such a clear vision on how to move forward and I had never seen my path so clearly ever before. And I am so grateful that He did that for me. I was even so sure that this was the right way to go because everything else just seemed to fall into place.

It was the most amazing feeling and still is. So, I decided to quit my job working for my mother. I knew that I would not be able to accomplish anything I wanted to do if I kept working in the company because I would never have the time. When I told her, she understood and she knew that eventually, I would want to pursue other things.

So, the deal we made was to leave in March. She has even found someone that could replace me and I am just happy and excited to be moving forward in my life. I am taking a huge leap from a job that pays so well but  I feel so much passion in my soul for God and this new path and it just completely fills me up. Walking away from the money does not feel difficult in any way.

I listened to a sermon by Sarah Jakes Roberts recently titled ‘The Ground is Shifting’. She explained that when one looks at the sky and sees it moving, it’s not the sky that is moving but the ground. The ground is shifting and so we change position sometimes and never really realise it in that moment. For example, you could be friends with a person all your life and then slowly, you start to drift apart – not necessarily because anyone did anything wrong but a shift has happened. The person you were has changed and maybe that person hasn’t. Or maybe its the other way around. Either way, both of you can’t really seem to find common ground anymore. This doesn’t happen with everyone but it’s something that does happen. That is just an example.

Basically for me, the ground has shifted in terms of my journey. I don’t know when it happened but it did and I am feeling the effects of it now (in the most amazing way). God has been so good to me – I can’t even stress that enough. I had always prayed to God to reveal a path for me and at some point, it felt like He wasn’t even listening to me. But, He was. He gave me the tools I needed to reach this point. He prepared me for this. Even working at a start-up was a way for me to learn patience and sacrifice and He knew that I would need those things. I mean, just how awesome is He? I can’t even put it into words.

Anyway, this is just a gist that I hope gives a clear explanation of my absence. I have so much in store and by the grace of God, fear would not win. Fear has always prevented me from doing a lot of things but I refuse to give into fear any longer.

Thank you for reading as always and I will be updating as I make all my moves this year.

All my love,

Dolly.

I don’t want to remember

I don’t want to remember you

The ‘you’ that made my whole world spin round and round

To the point where I felt dizzy but yet and still, I did not want it to stop

 

I don’t want to remember your smile

That beautiful smile that was like sunshine on a dark cloudy day

 

I don’t want to remember how good it felt to hold you

To feel the warmth of your body against mine

 

I don’t want to remember your voice

That voice that sounded like King David had been awoken to play his harp once again

 

I don’t want to remember how glorious it felt to look at you

It was like looking at a sculpture carved by Michelangelo

So majestic; So grand

 

I don’t want to remember how much you opened my mind

To all the possibilities that this world has to offer

 

I don’t want to remember

Because when I remember, I smile a little

But then this sharp pain appears in my chest and spreads fast through out my body leaving me weak and helpless

As it takes me back to a time

When you and I felt right

 

A time when both of us were in alignment with the universe

And Orion seemed to be so clear in a city filled with lights

 

Yeah, remembering hurts…

 

 

P.S. To all my amazing readers, I feel like I owe you an explanation for my long absence and all would be explained in a separate post. Thank you for sticking with me. I love you guys so much. And there are better days ahead this year for me and for you. Believe that. Oh, and before I forget, Happy Valentines day. ❤