In a lot of ways, he reminds me of my father. Not an exact copy; but there are just things about him – almost like a modern, more evolved version of my father (but my father nonetheless. And the first time I noticed that, I was scared shitless!
I never told you guys this but when I started writing on this blog again, I vowed that I was going to be as honest as I could.
Not to say that I haven’t been honest in the past but I just think that there are a lot of things that I am afraid to talk about, especially in my writing and I want that to change.
Anyway, in keeping to the theme of honesty, I got my heart broken recently. I hate that it happened because the guy and I were never in a relationship. We only knew each other for a very short amount of time but I find that the time that I spent with him was incredibly impactful in my life; in a way that I never expected it to be. He is like a unicorn to me because I have never met anyone who could affect me the way he did in such a short period of time.
From the way it started to the way it ended has been a real life lesson so far. It taught me a lot about myself, my future and my character. I don’t regret it though because I honestly feel like I needed someone like him to push me in the direction that I needed to go in every aspect of my life. I have come to accept that he was never supposed to be in my life for a long period of time; I just needed him to get me moving to the next phase of my life.
He did get into my heart…enough to break it at least. He made me confront a lot of issues that I have. For example, in a lot of ways, he reminds me of my father. Not an exact copy; but there are just things about him – almost like a modern, more evolved version of my father (but my father nonetheless. And the first time I noticed that, I was scared shitless! I always said that I never wanted to marry a man like my father and I would avoid it at all costs. But here I was, seeing a guy who was a replica of my father and I was so drawn to him that I did not realise it early enough.
He was such a teachable moment for me and I can’t help but thank God for bringing him into my life for all He taught me through this man. For one, he is extremely talented ad being so close to him and seeing how hard he worked as a creative was so inspiring. He always advised me to step out on my own and do the things that I love. And honestly, it was while I was seeing him that I started actively thinking about my creative future. And that is one thing I’ll always be thankful to him for.
I also learnt from how he treated me. In a lot of ways, he really was my father. I had so much respect for him (and still do) and it seemed that at the beginning, he saw me for who I was (just like my father when I was younger). Then, as time went on, he rejected me for things that honestly did not even make any real sense. He accused me of not caring about him and always playing the victim and being selfish. Lol. I had to laugh here because it is so far from who I am and anyone who knows me will tell you that. I cared about him so much and I was constantly thinking about him and how special I thought he was. I had always tried to impress him because I loved and respected him and I wanted him to be proud of me but I don’t think i mattered to him as much. It hurt to realise that but I have come to accept that he was not supposed to be in my life for a long time. His stay was meant to be temporary but with a purpose and that was to teach me more about myself.
Were there mistakes I made? Sure. Could I have been less needy, clingy, emotional? Yes, I could have been but none of this was enough to warrant the way he spoke to me in the end. But it’s okay because I realised that I need to be more accepting of myself.
If i don’t see myself through God’s eyes or accept myself for who I am, how do I expect somebody else to accept me? I need to get away from that thinking that believes that I need validation from other people especially men because if I don’t, I’ll keep on meeting replicas of my father. And I can’t have that.
I am on a journey of self love, self acceptance, self improvement; and I am determined to be as authentic as I can be; to be more accepting of my flaws, quirks, imperfections; to work on things that I would like to change and just accept that I am an amazing woman.