Day 22: I had a semi-honest conversation with my mother

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My mum and I have an interesting relationship. She is the opposite of me in so many ways. The only things that I see that we have in common is our love for the TV series, Greenleaf and The Crown. Other than that, I won’t say that we are friends. She is my mother; I’m her daughter. That’s it. 

I always wanted to have a friendly type of relationship with her but I’ve come to accept that, it’s probably not going to happen. And I’m learning that, that’s okay too. She has done her best and I am very thankful for that. 

I have never felt comfortable talking to her about anything. She is not the most approachable person and there is this huge anxious energy that always made me afraid and nervous to speak to her about things really bothering me. 

However, a few weeks ago, we finally had a semi-honest conversation. She had seem me doing something I wasn’t supposed to be doing and she was livid. I mean, she was really upset and to be honest, she had every right to be. But, in the midst of that, I felt God telling me to use this opportunity to have a conversation. 

God has a sense of humour, I have to say.

Anyway, we talked. I told her a bunch of things that had been bothering my mind about her behaviour towards me. I also explained some of the things that I had experienced in the last few years that she had no idea about. 

And I felt like, for the first time, she made an effort to listen. I mean, there were still things that we couldn’t talk about because I still felt anxious bringing some of those things up. But, I think, that moment shifted our relationship in a positive direction just a little bit.

There is still much that hasn’t changed. I still can’t talk to her about a lot of things. I try to avoid her as much as I can — which is crazy, cause we live in the same house. And I don’t even know why I’m avoiding her. Right before writing this post, I had wanted to go downstairs to get something and I heard her voice and I just went back into my room. She came back from work last night, and I heard her voice but for four hours, I didn’t go and meet her until she called me that she hadn’t seen me. I felt God ask me, “Why are you running?” And I told him, “I don’t know.” 

There is this part of me that just wants to avoid conflict at all costs. I don’t want my day to be ruined by something that could have been avoided. I’ve really been trying to take care of my mental health and I don’t want to mess it up. 

But it’s something I’m trying to deal with. 

It’s not all negative though. One positive example that I can give is from last week. She had annoyed me because I had done so much running around for her and she still found a way to yell at me in the end. However, after a while, she spoke to me like nothing had happened. She tried to laugh with me and stuff. I was still upset and normally, I would have shown it but I decided to just accept that she was trying. 

And at the end of the day, I’m thankful that she is trying even if its just a little bit. I don’t know what the future of our relationship is — only God knows. And I trust that He is working everything all out. 

For now though, I am working on me and being mindful and fearless. And I know that when I am at my best, it would bring out the best in all the other relationships in my life — my mother and I included. 

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