Dolly Writes

Journey of a growing woman

Category: 18

BLACK AND WHITE

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I felt the need to write today
Actually, I was reading about George Orwell
And just felt somewhat inspired

By the way, I recently just discovered that George Orwell
Was actually a pseudonym
It wasn’t his real name
His real name was Eric Blair
That was actually pretty interesting

And oh…

George Eliot

was a woman!

Amazing right?

Her real name was Mary Ann Evans
She used a male pen name
so that her work will be taken seriously

Anyway…
I realised that people like to believe sometimes
that things are simply black and white
but honestly, I really wish it was that simple
Things are not always black and white
There’s always a grey area

There’s that area that makes you question
If everything you ever believed was true

It’s kind of like
how a lot of people believe that
a person who takes the life of another
should go to prison for the rest of his/her life
or worse, should die.

However, what will you say about
the teenager who kills his father
to protect his mother?

The boy had endured abuse all his life…
He was just trying to not watch his mother get killed

What now can we say?

That’s why God remains the ultimate judge.

We, humans are not perfect…
And things…
Are never simply black and white

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DOLLY-LAND

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My friend, Tomi messaged me this morning
He said: Hope all is well in dolly-land?
For some reason, the idea of dolly-land stuck
And I started to think of myself as a country
With different states: The body, the mind, the spirit and the soul

THE BODY

The body is an important part of dolly-land
It’s the first thing most people think about when dolly-land is mentioned
It’s like hearing Nigeria, and you think ‘Lagos’
Like hearing America and thinking ‘New York’
Or hearing England and thinking ‘London’
It’s the first thing people see and think about
The body in dolly-land is pretty much a beholder’s castle
Some people look at it and think ‘Woww’ and some people look at it and think ‘Meh’
The citizens of dolly-land like to believe that THE BODY is beautiful
But sometimes, it can’t help but think its ‘MEH’
They try not to feel insecure but it does happen sometimes
But the good thing about THE BODY in Dolly-land
Is that it doesn’t scare easily when it comes to changes
It’s one of the things that makes it special.

THE MIND

The mind is the brain of Dolly-land
It’s the parliament, the senate, the congress, the house of reps
Whatever you choose to call it.
It’s where the President resides
It’s where decisions are made
The MIND in Dolly-land
Is not the smartest cookie in the bunch
But it could be very open-minded
THE MIND in Dolly-land assimilates a lot of knowledge
It like to read about new things and learn about new things
Things that to others, might not seem so important
But it takes it in because you just never know
It could get distracted very easily, which is one of its many flaws
And it also procrastinates and does things last-minute
Which is not cool
But all in all, it tries its best to do what’s best for Dolly-land.

THE SPIRIT

The spirit in Dolly-land
It’s a tricky one.
It doesn’t necessarily have a particular job
But if I am to give it one, Ill say
It’s like the police of Dolly-land
This is because the spirit never sleeps
It’s always awake
Watching
And trying to become stronger
Because a strong spirit is good for Dolly-land.
It has to interact with a spirit much much much greater than its own
It has to be strong with God because God is the spirit that can make Dolly-land stronger.

THE SOUL

The soul in Dolly-land
Is the nucleus.
Without it, Dolly-land will not exist
It can never die
It lives on
It learns, it grows
It’s THE SOUL.

I don’t know what I just wrote but I felt good writing it. Thank you Tomi.

THE PLAN

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So I had this grand idea…
This plan…
That was going to be life-changing
It was going to be mind-blowing
It was genius!
I had finally found a solution to this age-old problem of mine.
The plan was to change the colour of my hair.

YES!
That was the plan.
I believed that changing my hair would change me.
Changing my hair will make me a totally different person.
Changing my hair will change my life and I will be brand new.
In my head, this was a brilliant plan
And I didn’t give two fucks on what anyone else was going to think.

I knew the risks.
It could turn out bad.
Like really bad!
Like, I-could-lose-all-my-hair bad.
Like, I-could-look-very-ugly bad.
But I didn’t care.
This plan had to work.
It was all I had left.

So I went ahead with it.
I endured a few laughs from friends.
I endured some are-you-crazy looks
I didn’t care.
Because it was going to be worth it.
My life was going to change
For the better.

I had a friend cut my hair down lower
And my friends were amazed at how excited I was
When all the hair came off.
They didn’t understand.
This was it!
This was the moment that will change my life.
This was the moment that will turn my frowns upside down.
This was the moment that will make me never shed a tear again.
This was the moment that happiness was going to become me.

However, I was wrong.
My plan didn’t work.
It didn’t change me.
As I was taking a journey from Brighton to Buckingham,
I kept on looking at my reflection in the window
It was me…just a blonder looking me.
I didn’t change.

Then I realised that changing my hair was not going to change my life.
That really stung!.
I really thought it would.
I realised that I just needed something I could control;
Something that I could change since I couldn’t change my mess of a life.
And it was my hair.

My hair is not afraid to take risks.
My hair makes me brave and strangely confident sometimes.
My hair is the one thing that embraces change.
My hair enjoys LIVING
At the risk of looking ugly,
And even at the risk of losing itself.

The Plan might have actually worked.
Maybe not in the way I expected…
But at least, it gave me a chance.

WE ARE HERE

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I have been very inspired by the ‘we are here’ movement that Alicia Keys has started. If you don’t know what it is, keep reading because I am about to break it down for you.

Alicia Keys released this song recently to promote peace in the world especially in light of what is going on in Gaza at the moment and also the issues that Nigeria is facing with the whole #BringBackOurGirls situation. I don’t think I have really witnessed so much calamity going on in the world as I have seen in recent times.

ISIS is beheading people and broadcasting it to the world, children are being kidnapped in Nigeria and innocents are being killed in Gaza and its extremely sad to witness all of this.

In this video, Alicia Keys gave an explanation as to why she wrote this beautiful song. It started with a question: Why Are You Here?

When you think about it, this question is really deep and I thought about it for days before coming up with the answer that I put above.

‘I AM HERE TO GIVE AND RECEIVE HAPPINESS’. Making people happy is something I enjoy. A warm feeling comes over me when I see that I put a smile on someone’s face. That feeling is so beautiful that I get moved to tears almost all the time. It’s one of the things that motivates me to keep writing because when I get messages from people saying, ‘Thank you’ or ‘You have inspired me’, It is the most beautiful feeling.

However, there was a point in my life that I wasn’t happy. I enjoyed making people happy but I couldn’t find it in me to be happy. After a while, I realised that I too, deserve happiness and I am in this world not only to give it but to receive as well.

I decided to take part in this movement because I am inspired by it and I stand and believe in what Alicia Keys is promoting. There is too much devastation going on in the world and with each one of us coming together and standing together, its a step in the right direction.

I implore everyone that reads this to take part in this movement and join hands with the rest of us to promote peace.

P.S. Alicia Keys is giving me ‘hippie’ and ‘Alicia Keys 2001’ with her hair and I am LOVINGGGGG it.

Beach Life

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It’s amazing how different people can be
And yet we can somehow think the same way.
Different people with different backgrounds
converging in one spot to feel sane
because there is just something about a huge body of water
that reminds us all that life could be much worse
and we should appreciate what we got.

There are the crazy teenage girls who just want to take insane selfies
For memories and for instagram of course.

There are the crazy teenage boys who just want to throw pebbles in the water
and take a lovely swim.

There are the lovers who are coming here to remind themselves that
maybe someday their love could be as wide and deep as the ocean.

Then, you see the old geezer with his shirt off,
enjoying the water.
And just as you start to feel a tiny bit disgusted,
you turn around and you see his wife give him a smile.
And then you realise that she still finds him as sexy as the first time she met him.

Then, there are those who just stare at the waters,
maybe wondering how it would feel to be that free.

And then there is me,
who just wants to sit
and find some inspiration
and write
and tell myself that maybe there is some place over these waters that is just right for me.

Vulnerability Is My Bitch

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Once upon a time, I used to be afraid of how vulnerable I was. People and society made me believe that vulnerability equalled weakness and it carried on being a burden for me.

I used to wish that I was one of those people that could completely carry on with life while blocking off all my emotions. However, I just couldn’t block out my feelings. I had to cry and I had to be weak. Not releasing my emotions made me very toxic. And normally, I have problems reacting to anger. I don’t exactly know how to express my anger and that already, makes me a toxic person. So, think of how dangerous and how acidic I can be when I have repressed emotions and repressed anger.

Recently,I grew to understand that vulnerability wasn’t weakness. Vulnerability is strength. Do you know how strong you have to be to be vulnerable? Do you know how strong you have to be to have to accept being emotionally out-there? Literally, it means that you can handle the humiliation that comes with it. You can accept that you have to be weak to be strong.

My vulnerability is what makes me passionate and being passionate about something is the most beautiful thing in the world. I am not afraid to be the vulnerable one in the relationship. I am not embarrassed when my friends say, ‘Dolly is too emotional’.Nahh. Maybe before, I was. But now, I carry it with pride because I know that I get to live life.

You don’t have to agree with me. No one has to. However, that’s the way I have chosen to view life. I get to experience these things. I get to experience the pain that comes with heartbreak, betrayal and all of that and I know that when I am done feeling that pain, I AM DONE.

I believe that people need to show their emotions, no matter what it is – sadness, pain, anger and all that jazz because it is what makes us stronger.

Don’t be like me and repress your anger. I am trying to deal with that. However, I advice ya’ll to express anything that you feel. It is what makes life worth it.

Resentment

A few months ago, I was in a really really dark place. I wanted to die. Getting hurt is never easy. I kept on seeing visuals in my head and they almost destroyed me.

Not only was I hurt by the one person I had given all of me to, I was also hurt by someone I considered a friend. I mean, I have sort of moved on from it and it doesn’t really hurt anymore but its something that I can never forget.

That feeling of not being good enough can really mess with your head, you know. I have grown to see this incident as a learning experience and in a way, I am grateful for it happening because I have really changed but at the time, it wasn’t easy.

This song describes exactly how I was feeling at the time and even sometimes, when I listen to it, memories come flooding back. However, I understand that it had to happen for me to understand certain things about life.

I used to blame myself for it happening. I thought it was all my fault but now I realise that I was not to blame at all. Those that hurt me just didn’t know how to handle something as great as me.

In a way, I am at peace with it and I understand.

What If I Don’t Wake Up Tomorrow?

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One of my favourite blogger friends, Tomi wrote a piece on depression a few weeks ago and it is something that I can relate to because for the most part of my life, I have been depressed.

I have never really been able to allow myself to truly be happy and its something that has really bothered me. For about two days this week, I locked myself up in my room and cried and cried because I found myself in that unhappy place again.

I wondered what was wrong with me and suddenly something struck. What if I wasn’t meant to live long on earth? Boom! It seemed like the perfect explanation as to my constant unhappiness. I mean, I have always felt really drawn to Marilyn Monroe and Lisa ‘Left Eye’ Lopes – both women, died at an early age – for so long without really understanding why. I delight in making others happy and not myself and I had been having re-ocurring crazy dreams that made me afraid of sleeping at night. I, mean it felt like the perfect explanation and it freaked the helllllll out of me.

Do you know how it feels to come to that sort of realisation? Do you now understand that I had reached rock-bottom? I emailed my pastor about how I was feeling and he prayed for me and encouraged me. I did feel better.

However, in that state of despair, I realised one thing. The truth is, I want to live for as long as possible. I want to go through every phase of life. I want to work, get married, have kids, go through menopause, have saggy breasts, watch my children get married, be a fabulous grandma and finally when its my time, hopefully, I get to leave the world in peace and go be with my Father. I also hope to have left a legacy behind. I want all of this for my life. However, I spend too much time worrying about the future…Way too much.

Understanding that tomorrow is not promised for anyone, including myself is really life-changing. I know now that I have to live everyday like its my very last. I have to be nice to people, not hold on to grudges, see the world, play in the sun, dance in the rain and see everyday as a gift from God.

It’s easier said than done to be honest because we are humans and as humans, we forget. It’s okay to forget. God never created us to be perfect. However, when we do remember that to wake up everyday is a miracle, let us get down on our knees and say the words ‘Thank you’. Go on to live that day as if tomorrow will not exist for you.

It’s Okay Not To Be Okay

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The past months were the most difficult times of my life. There were days I felt like dying, days I wanted to crawl up into a cave and never see sunlight again and there were days I felt like giving up.

However, in those days, there was growth and there was power and there was strength because even though I had felt betrayed, heart broken, rejected and alone, I was discovering who I was.

You see, all my life, I would never have been able to tell you who I was. Eighteen years, I have spent on this earth and I was just a human who was trying to find myself.

My likes, My dreams, My aspirations, My goals…It didn’t feel like they came from me. Even the little things, like the choice of my hairstyle to the choice of my shoes didn’t seem like they were me. I mean, they were me but they weren’t me.

I was trying to hide my flaws and I was trying to be somebody I was not. My individuality is still messed up and I am still trying to figure it out but at least, I am not playing it safe anymore. I am trying to discover who this amazing girl is.

I have realised that it’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to feel pain. It’s okay not to be okay. It is at our weakest points that our strengths are created. It is totally okay to be vulnerable. And that time does come, when you feel so weak and so tired that you just want to leave this place called EARTH. When you feel like this world doesn’t need you. When you feel like piercing the knife so deep in your skin so that you could feel pain in any other place other than your heart. I know. I have been there.

However, it is at that point, when you have hit rock bottom that you are being re-born and made into a much better and stronger version of yourself. It is at that point that you have to remind yourself that in this crazy world, where people die everyday, somehow, you still happen to be alive. There is a reason for your existence and He still has great plans for you.

A friend told me recently – and I agree – that there is a void in every human’s life that needs to be filled and it can’t be filled with temporary things. Every human is constantly searching for something – love, fame, success, passion, individuality – and when that is done, we find ourselves asking ‘What Next?’ That space is still there and in all honesty, its only God that can fill that void. He is the only one that can give that satisfaction.

It’s never too late to discover who you are. Experiment. Try new things. Take risks. Life is all about risks. Do you! Don’t care about what anyone other than God thinks.

My Maya

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Ill start by saying that this is my 100th post and I am using it to honour a woman who touched my life. Maya Angelou was more than a woman that I read about on the pages of a book or watched on a screen. She was like a second mother in my head. I imagined myself sitting by her feet and listen to her speak. I imagined myself talking to her about life, boys, God and everything else in between.

I had heard about her time and time again but I had never really known so much about her. However, one day, I was thinking of the books I would use for my English A level coursework. We were to choose three and I had already chosen: Wuthering Heights, Little Women and Purple Hibiscus. Deadline was fast approaching and I had only read Purple Hibiscus. Wuthering Heights and Little Women were just confusing me and I needed something that would keep me interested. 

So I started to think of some other books and then my friend suggested: The Help and I know why the caged bird sings by Maya Angelou. I had watched The Help already so I knew what it was about but I had not read this book by Maya. My friend gave me a little summary on what the book was about and she said I would love it. I decided to get it. 

I read the book and I was so into it. I got to know this woman and understand her. From the way she wrote, I could feel her wisdom. I never had the time to read the remaining autobiographies but I read some of her poems like: Phenomenal Woman and Still I Rise. I am not such a big fan of poetry but this woman made me see poetry in a different light. My God, she was such a wise woman. She was like the ‘Solomon of our time’ and she proved that you can go through the hardest life and still come out strong.

I wish I had met her and I wish I had known about her longer than I did. I am so honored to have shared this earth with this wonderful woman. I am so glad that she was alive when I was born. I am so thankful to God for producing such beauty and such wisdom. I am filled with tears because I can’t believe that such wisdom has departed this world. I am sure that she is dining with the angels because that is where she belongs. I’m sure God and her will have so much to talk about.

Rest in Peace, Paradise and Power My Hero. Thank God for the life you have lived. God bless you!

Here are some of her famous quotes:

. Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.

. If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain.

. There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.

. I do not trust people who don’t love themselves and yet tell me, ‘I love you.’ There is an African saying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt.

. We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.

. You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.

. My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

. Try to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud.

. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

. I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life’s a bitch. You’ve got to go out and kick ass.

. The love of the family, the love of the person can heal. It heals the scars left by a larger society. A massive, powerful society.

. Courage is the most important of all the virtues because without courage, you can’t practice any other virtue consistently.

. Nothing will work unless you do.

. It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody.

. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way (s)he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

Source of quotes: Guardian