Day 20: ARMOUR

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There is a show that I used to enjoy watching while it was on. It was called ‘Once Upon a Time.’ I loved that show so much. I know it could get really corny but I don’t care, I loved it. The lead character of the show, Emma Swan had this really cute leather jacket that she just loved wearing. Whenever she was going into difficult situations, Emma wore her red leather jacket. 

It wasn’t until a few seasons later that it was explained that Emma saw her red leather jacket as an armour. It made her feel bolder and stronger and ready to tackle whatever she had in front of her. That is how I see my dark lipsticks. 

I love wearing dark lipsticks. I never knew much about makeup and I didn’t know how to apply it. It wasn’t until about two years ago that I finally figured how to do a decent level of makeup that won’t look horrendous. When I started doing makeup, I quickly realised that I loved the darker shades more because they made me feel tough. They made me feel a little fearless. 

I realised that just like Emma’s red leather jacket was her armour; my dark lipsticks had become my armour. A lot of people have always wondered why I stick to the darker shades and this really is the answer. I have had major anxiety for a pretty long time and being able to step out and feel a bit of confidence because of the colour of my lips, is the most awesome feeling. 

Day 21: I am trying to be more giving

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I tried to pay more attention to God and my spirit this year. I started going to a new church that really gave me everything I needed. And it helped me in my journey to understanding God better. I realise now that our real true selves is our spirit. This body is just a shell. In knowing that and understanding that you are a spiritual being, it helps you to better understand some of the things that you see going on around you. So, this year, I really tried to listen.

I tried to listen to God. And I have to tell you, He sends messages when you need it and in the best medium that you can receive it. I tried to pay attention to how my spirit felt. If I felt uncomfortable about a decision I was about to make, I knew that my spirit was not feeling it and in that case, it was probably not a good idea.

How has it worked for me? Well, I’m still on the journey and a lot of times, even when God speaks, I don’t listen. However, I am trying and to be honest, it has made me more aware and more grounded about certain things.

One of those things is: Giving. God put it in my heart this year to be more giving. I always thought that my giving was okay but I realised that I was not even doing the best I really could be doing. He put it in my heart to be giving not just to Him but to my community.

To God

I made a pledge to myself that I will do my best to give God more. You know, I had mentioned earlier that I was really broke this year but I decided to make an effort to give even when things were dire. Not because God needs my money because He doesn’t. And not because He would love me any less because He wouldn’t. God already gave me before I could ever give Him anything. His love for me transcends whatever mere human money I can give Him. But I had an epiphany this year to give to Him because I trust Him. Giving Him is trusting Him. And He always gives you back. Every time, He always finds a way to give me something. He has done too much for me; much more than money can buy and giving some money to his church each week is really the very very least I can do. 

To my community

In learning more about God, I also learnt that one of the reasons why He created us is for service – not just service to Him but service to our community. And who is our community? Our neighbours, our family, our friends, those that are homeless, those that are in need, basically everyone you come in contact with is our community. He wants us to take care of each other. I haven’t been as great in this area, but I am really trying to be. And I know it’s important and I am hoping and praying that in the coming year, I would be more faithful in my giving to those around me.

So, giving is essential. One of the reasons I have been able to navigate a few things this year is because of the help I got from people around me and I pray for them in my spirit because they really blessed me. No one owes me anything but the fact that these people thought to lend a hand when they knew I needed it is something I would never forget. 

So, I am learning about service and the importance of it and I always pray for God to give me opportunities to serve. And I’m looking forward to doing more of that as I turn 24. 

Day 22: I had a semi-honest conversation with my mother

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My mum and I have an interesting relationship. She is the opposite of me in so many ways. The only things that I see that we have in common is our love for the TV series, Greenleaf and The Crown. Other than that, I won’t say that we are friends. She is my mother; I’m her daughter. That’s it. 

I always wanted to have a friendly type of relationship with her but I’ve come to accept that, it’s probably not going to happen. And I’m learning that, that’s okay too. She has done her best and I am very thankful for that. 

I have never felt comfortable talking to her about anything. She is not the most approachable person and there is this huge anxious energy that always made me afraid and nervous to speak to her about things really bothering me. 

However, a few weeks ago, we finally had a semi-honest conversation. She had seem me doing something I wasn’t supposed to be doing and she was livid. I mean, she was really upset and to be honest, she had every right to be. But, in the midst of that, I felt God telling me to use this opportunity to have a conversation. 

God has a sense of humour, I have to say.

Anyway, we talked. I told her a bunch of things that had been bothering my mind about her behaviour towards me. I also explained some of the things that I had experienced in the last few years that she had no idea about. 

And I felt like, for the first time, she made an effort to listen. I mean, there were still things that we couldn’t talk about because I still felt anxious bringing some of those things up. But, I think, that moment shifted our relationship in a positive direction just a little bit.

There is still much that hasn’t changed. I still can’t talk to her about a lot of things. I try to avoid her as much as I can — which is crazy, cause we live in the same house. And I don’t even know why I’m avoiding her. Right before writing this post, I had wanted to go downstairs to get something and I heard her voice and I just went back into my room. She came back from work last night, and I heard her voice but for four hours, I didn’t go and meet her until she called me that she hadn’t seen me. I felt God ask me, “Why are you running?” And I told him, “I don’t know.” 

There is this part of me that just wants to avoid conflict at all costs. I don’t want my day to be ruined by something that could have been avoided. I’ve really been trying to take care of my mental health and I don’t want to mess it up. 

But it’s something I’m trying to deal with. 

It’s not all negative though. One positive example that I can give is from last week. She had annoyed me because I had done so much running around for her and she still found a way to yell at me in the end. However, after a while, she spoke to me like nothing had happened. She tried to laugh with me and stuff. I was still upset and normally, I would have shown it but I decided to just accept that she was trying. 

And at the end of the day, I’m thankful that she is trying even if its just a little bit. I don’t know what the future of our relationship is — only God knows. And I trust that He is working everything all out. 

For now though, I am working on me and being mindful and fearless. And I know that when I am at my best, it would bring out the best in all the other relationships in my life — my mother and I included. 

Day 23: I am more aware of what I require in a man.

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I had a very interesting summer! (and I say that with a lot of giggles and butterflies). In the midst of all the chaos, I had some bliss. It was very unexpected and I think that’s what made it all the more amazing. I spent a lot of time with a fellow human and it was the best part of the last two years for me. This human made me feel like me. There is something to be said for a person who brings our your inner sunshine; the part of you that has forgotten that there is beauty in laughing at yourself and just laughing, PERIOD. 

Anyway, that experience was such a blessing and it made me realise that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with someone I can’t laugh with. We have to be laughing all the time. That is someone who cares about you – If he makes you laugh. I also realised that I don’t want to be with someone who can’t be honest with me and someone who makes me feel like I can’t be honest with him. 

I haven’t had the greatest experiences with men – and it wasn’t completely on them. I have had my own issues that affected my confidence, my self esteem and my being. And a lot of times, I felt like maybe I wasn’t worthy of being loved. 

However, this summer, I discovered a part of myself. I felt a part of myself come alive and I knew that this was how I wanted to feel all the time – whether with someone or by myself. God, through this wonderful human, gave me that — the ability to see that I deserve more. 

Day 24: Red Pockets

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I haven’t had it all together this year. When it comes to finances, this has been my most difficult one yet. While I have gotten myself involved in a few things, a lot of those things haven’t brought any income my way. And for those things, I’ve been fine with not getting any pay from them because I knew that it would take a long time before I see a penny from any of those things. And that was fine by me because I love doing them anyway. However, some opportunities that I had to make money just dried up for me and it has been so frustrating. 

Somehow, God always found a way to take care of me so, I was able to sort out some basic things. And my awesome sister and my dad helped out quite a bit too. But if I tell you that it has been easy, that would be a very big lie. 

So, this year, I took a lot of losses and it made me feel a lot of emotions. Sometimes, I was sad. Other times, I was positive about moving forward. And then I would go back to being sad. But all in all, I don’t regret leaving the job I left earlier this year. The money was good but other aspects of my life would have suffered terribly and it was not worth it at all. 

Also, I’m young. I’m just about to turn 24 and there are things that I have achieved – things that I’m proud of. I still have time to turn things around and I know that they will turn around. I am trying not to complain too much about the things I don’t have. And it’s hard not to when as one problem is taken care of, another arises. 

Look, I am not writing this as a sympathy post so don’t cry for me Argentina. I am just simply being honest about the realities of early adulthood. The truth is, it can be a lot but I realised last week when I was reflecting on my coming birthday that, I am never going to get younger. I will never be 16 again when I got pocket money from my parents or 18 when I was in England. Those were chapters in my life that have closed and I need to accept my new reality. 

And I know now more that ever, that all of this a stepping stone to the greatness that God has called me to be. 

24 days to 24 : Lez B. Honest

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So, I’m sure you may have deduced from the title that in 24 days, I turn 24 years old. This last year has been a real test of my adulthood and I wanted to use the opportunity to spend the next 24 days giving you some real honesty about my last year. I’ll share personal experiences & lessons I have learned during this time.

It took me a while to decide if I really wanted to do this because I haven’t written here in a minute and consistency might be a big issue for me but I will try. So, starting today, watch out for an honest post from me till the end of this period.

I hope you enjoy it. For me, I want to do this because I think it will be very therapeutic for me and I also really hope you gain something from this journey.

Let’s Go!

The journey to strong mental health is a continuous one

Don’t cry for me Argentina. I’ll be just fine

My mental health has taken a hit lately. It is no secret that I suffered from depression few years ago. I was on anti-depressants for a moment and I also had suicidal thoughts. It took me a while to get over it but eventually I did through prayer, new friendships and a departure from toxicity. However, I have learned that this journey is a continuous one.

Over the last two years, I’ve had moments where I’ve felt triggered but they have always remained that – moments. Lately, it’s lasted longer than I planned. I can’t exactly figure out when it started but I’m grateful because I know the signs so I’ve caught it early before it can do any real damage.

And while it’s still pretty mild and in knowing who God is and how much he loves me, suicidal thoughts have not come into play and I believe it wouldn’t. However, it’s still hard. I feel tormented inside and I’m trying to deal with it as best as I can. For one, I’m speaking about it and praying about it and even talking to friends and I know that I would be okay soon.

I just want people to know that your mental health is very important. It is not a joke and you should take care of it as best as you can. It is very essential and don’t feel ashamed about it.

To my fellow misfits going through a hard time, you will be okay, I assure you of that. Just know that you are awesome and this shall pass too.

Don’t cry for me Argentina, I’ll be just fine. I just need to do some serious work on myself and I have come a very long way from where I was a few years ago. I am more equipped to deal with this than I’ve ever been and I know that God is making everything work together for my good and I trust Him. It was important to me that I shared this with you all so I hope you don’t mind.

In the mean time, here is a pretty picture of me for you to enjoy. Lol

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