Ceiling Fan

I just want to float

And be free

And feel the evening breeze

 

I just want to lay

On the wooden floors

And stare at the ceiling

 

I just want to be

With nothing more than a sheet

That covers yet reveals

 

I want to feel like Eve

Before the serpent

Before everything went to shit.

3.00

Disclaimer: Before you read this, I want you to know that I am in a happier place in my life. I just wanted to share this because this was a moment when my life changed. 

It was 3 a.m. in the morning. I couldn’t sleep. My mind was still buzzing, heart still racing. Sleep refused to pay me a visit. In a way, I think Sleep knew. She knew that I had to be here for this. She knew that it had to wait a while for me to hear this. She knew that my life was about to change. Oh, Sleep! You could have warned me.

I lay in bed trying to calm my mind. The day had been okay. Nothing to complain about. So I put something on to watch while I waited for Sleep to meet me. What’s that? my phone is ringing. I pick it up and it’s a friendly voice. A close friend. Someone I trust.

“What are you doing tomorrow?” she asked. I could tell that there was something on her mind. Not enough to decipher whether it was good or bad.

“I have a story to film” I said.

“Okay. Let me know what time you finish. I have something to tell you”. Sounded important. Deep, deep deep down in my soul, it was almost like I knew what this was about but that part of my soul hadn’t caught up with the rest of my body.

“No. No. Tell me now. I’m not sleeping yet.”

“Okay. I’ll be down in like five minutes.”

I get up from my bed and walk to the door to pen up for her and we sit in the kitchen. Her face is carrying it and even though a part of me recognises it, I still don’t expect it.

“Do you know this number?” She reads the number out loud.

A part of me knows it but I don’t want it to be true. At this moment, my heart starts to sink.

“I’m not sure but let me grab my phone and check”

The entire run to my room, I feel my heart bracing itself for impact.

I get my phone and meet her downstairs and we confirm the number.

It is Him.

I feel my heart trying to take cover. I know what this is about but I don’t want it to be about that. Please, let it not be about that.

She shows me the screenshots that she took from the girl’s laptop. The girl that I considered a friend. I read enough to confirm my fears.

I feel the heat in my body. I feel paralysed. I feel pain emanating from every part of my being and then I feel my heart break.

Musings of a girl sitting by the water under the hot sun

We start out as innocents

Not really giving a care in the world

We just want to play, laugh and love

Somehow we lose it

Some where along the line, life happens

It just happens

And we don’t even know it

And we start to care about the wrong things

And by the time we do realise it, it’s too late.

How did we get here?

How did we lose our point of being?

 

Photo: Fine Art America

My days

So, I was thinking about what to blog about today and nothing seemed to be coming to me. So, I went through my notes to see if I had anything written down that I had forgotten about and I came across this piece that I wrote on 03/11/2016. I think I was having a tough day that day and it’s a bit depressing. I don’t necessarily feel as sad now but it just showcases how up and down I feel every now and again. It was unfinished and so I added something at the end that kind of brings it together and just a reminder that no matter what, everything will be okay. 

I have days of strengths

Days when I feel empowered

Days when I feel confident

Days when I feel on top of the world

When I have those days,

I feel like I can do anything

Like I’m super girl or something

Those days I start to believe that I exist for a reason

Those days, I remind myself of my achievements

And I tell myself that I am going to be great

I like those days.

 

Then I have days when I don’t feel so strong

I experience those days a lot

Those days are horrible

Those days, I can’t look at myself in the mirror

During those days, I am haunted by my past mistakes

During those days, I wish I was never born

Because I feel like I’m a waste of space

I know I shouldn’t question God

But in those days, I feel bad for Him

because I know he didn’t create me to be this way

But that’s all i can offer

Those days, I wish I could sleep and not remember

 

But…

 

Then, I remember that life isn’t perfect

And it is okay to feel sad sometimes

It only shows that I’m human

I have to learn to be content and happy and keep striving to be a better version of myself

And to remember that God loves me so much

And that is all I need to keep me going

And most importantly,

That I am enough!

Chasing Cars

Okay. So ya’lll know the drill. I wrote this a while ago but I added some finishing touches to it last night. After writing it, there was a song that came to my mind and I thought I would add it on as well. Hope you like it!

 

If I could gather up all the tears I ever cried for you

I’m sure it would fill an ocean

If I could count all the times you broke my heart

I’d never stop counting

If I could count all the times I wanted to hurt myself,

lose myself, end myself, just so that you would notice,

just so that you’d look at me and see that I’m here

you still wouldn’t notice.

My love,

I gave you everything

All the parts of me that I was proud of

and the parts that made me ashamed.

I tried to do everything, be everything

but that never seemed enough.

Then, I just stopped trying

because there was nothing more that I could do.

There was no more fight in me.

I was literally chasing air

There was no way I could ever catch you.

So, I picked up what was left of my dignity, of my pride

and decided that it was time to stop chasing.

 

You’re like a dog chasing a car. You’ll never catch it and you just wouldn’t know what to do with it if you did.

  • Jack Lightbody

 

GENESIS

wrote this last year when I was trying to do something spectacular on this blog but it didn’t work out how I planned. Anyway, I know I have bombarded you all with posts since yesterday but this seems appropriate for the moment. Hope you like it!

It started of with a bang

With fireworks in the air and dancing without care

From the distance, the bell tolled and all over the world,

there was renewed hope,

there was renewed fire and ambition

and even the cynics could testify

that this time of year always brings something that feels new

That feeling doesn’t last long though

As stories must continue

So how does my story fit into this genesis?

Would it destroy my dreams or fulfil my ambitions?

How long will this hope last?

The Soldier

I wrote this story a little while ago and I thought it will be nice to share. Hope you like it. Special thanks to my friend, Enuamaka for help with editing the story for me. 

He had been in Afghanistan for the last three months. There were good days and there were bad days. There were days when the sun was shining, leaves were falling and all the other soldiers were laughing. Nobody died on those days and he loved days like that.But there were days when he felt like a dead man walking.

On those days, the stench of death was in the air and he just wanted to be home. Monday happened to be one of those days.On Monday, he woke up feeling optimistic. Monday would be a good day because all the signs of a good day were there. Nothing could go wrong. Or so he thought.

As the day wore on, he couldn’t help but feel uneasy, as though the calm would not last for long.On this day, he was assigned patrol duty. He was to go get patrol with seven other guys from his platoon. He did not mind patrolling. So, he was up to it but this uneasy feeling just kept creeping up and he was not sure what to make of it.

After breakfast and a good laugh with his friends, he got fully dressed and headed to the patrol car. There were two. He was going to be in the second vehicle with three others while the first vehicle was going to be leading. He got in and they started to move.

He was having a good time singing with his mates and having a nice time until…the vehicle in front of them exploded.It was an IED. There were no survivors. The men in his patrol car drove back to camp as fast as they could. They knew there was nothing they could do in that moment for their fallen brothers. He was shaken up.

As soon as he got back to camp, he went to a corner to be by himself. After he puked out his breakfast, he cried. This was one of those days.Later that day, he felt this strong need to call home. So, he stood in the line waiting while the other soldiers ahead front of him spoke on the phone. As he waited, he thought about his mother and his sisters. He thought about how he missed them and wanting to let them know he was alright.

When it was his turn, he did not call his mother or his sisters. Instead, he called her. He loved his family but she…she was the calm to his storm. She was the one that made him feel like everything had not completely fallen apart and besides, he knew that she would reach out to his family for him.
He had had a bad day and all he wanted to do was hear her voice. When he heard her say ‘Hello’ on the other end, he knew. He knew that in that moment, that everything was going to be alright.