Dolly Writes

Journey of a growing woman

Category: Short stories/Poetry

My days

So, I was thinking about what to blog about today and nothing seemed to be coming to me. So, I went through my notes to see if I had anything written down that I had forgotten about and I came across this piece that I wrote on 03/11/2016. I think I was having a tough day that day and it’s a bit depressing. I don’t necessarily feel as sad now but it just showcases how up and down I feel every now and again. It was unfinished and so I added something at the end that kind of brings it together and just a reminder that no matter what, everything will be okay. 

I have days of strengths

Days when I feel empowered

Days when I feel confident

Days when I feel on top of the world

When I have those days,

I feel like I can do anything

Like I’m super girl or something

Those days I start to believe that I exist for a reason

Those days, I remind myself of my achievements

And I tell myself that I am going to be great

I like those days.

 

Then I have days when I don’t feel so strong

I experience those days a lot

Those days are horrible

Those days, I can’t look at myself in the mirror

During those days, I am haunted by my past mistakes

During those days, I wish I was never born

Because I feel like I’m a waste of space

I know I shouldn’t question God

But in those days, I feel bad for Him

because I know he didn’t create me to be this way

But that’s all i can offer

Those days, I wish I could sleep and not remember

 

But…

 

Then, I remember that life isn’t perfect

And it is okay to feel sad sometimes

It only shows that I’m human

I have to learn to be content and happy and keep striving to be a better version of myself

And to remember that God loves me so much

And that is all I need to keep me going

And most importantly,

That I am enough!

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Chasing Cars

Okay. So ya’lll know the drill. I wrote this a while ago but I added some finishing touches to it last night. After writing it, there was a song that came to my mind and I thought I would add it on as well. Hope you like it!

 

If I could gather up all the tears I ever cried for you

I’m sure it would fill an ocean

If I could count all the times you broke my heart

I’d never stop counting

If I could count all the times I wanted to hurt myself,

lose myself, end myself, just so that you would notice,

just so that you’d look at me and see that I’m here

you still wouldn’t notice.

My love,

I gave you everything

All the parts of me that I was proud of

and the parts that made me ashamed.

I tried to do everything, be everything

but that never seemed enough.

Then, I just stopped trying

because there was nothing more that I could do.

There was no more fight in me.

I was literally chasing air

There was no way I could ever catch you.

So, I picked up what was left of my dignity, of my pride

and decided that it was time to stop chasing.

 

You’re like a dog chasing a car. You’ll never catch it and you just wouldn’t know what to do with it if you did.

  • Jack Lightbody

 

GENESIS

wrote this last year when I was trying to do something spectacular on this blog but it didn’t work out how I planned. Anyway, I know I have bombarded you all with posts since yesterday but this seems appropriate for the moment. Hope you like it!

It started of with a bang

With fireworks in the air and dancing without care

From the distance, the bell tolled and all over the world,

there was renewed hope,

there was renewed fire and ambition

and even the cynics could testify

that this time of year always brings something that feels new

That feeling doesn’t last long though

As stories must continue

So how does my story fit into this genesis?

Would it destroy my dreams or fulfil my ambitions?

How long will this hope last?

The Soldier

I wrote this story a little while ago and I thought it will be nice to share. Hope you like it. Special thanks to my friend, Enuamaka for help with editing the story for me. 

He had been in Afghanistan for the last three months. There were good days and there were bad days. There were days when the sun was shining, leaves were falling and all the other soldiers were laughing. Nobody died on those days and he loved days like that.But there were days when he felt like a dead man walking.

On those days, the stench of death was in the air and he just wanted to be home. Monday happened to be one of those days.On Monday, he woke up feeling optimistic. Monday would be a good day because all the signs of a good day were there. Nothing could go wrong. Or so he thought.

As the day wore on, he couldn’t help but feel uneasy, as though the calm would not last for long.On this day, he was assigned patrol duty. He was to go get patrol with seven other guys from his platoon. He did not mind patrolling. So, he was up to it but this uneasy feeling just kept creeping up and he was not sure what to make of it.

After breakfast and a good laugh with his friends, he got fully dressed and headed to the patrol car. There were two. He was going to be in the second vehicle with three others while the first vehicle was going to be leading. He got in and they started to move.

He was having a good time singing with his mates and having a nice time until…the vehicle in front of them exploded.It was an IED. There were no survivors. The men in his patrol car drove back to camp as fast as they could. They knew there was nothing they could do in that moment for their fallen brothers. He was shaken up.

As soon as he got back to camp, he went to a corner to be by himself. After he puked out his breakfast, he cried. This was one of those days.Later that day, he felt this strong need to call home. So, he stood in the line waiting while the other soldiers ahead front of him spoke on the phone. As he waited, he thought about his mother and his sisters. He thought about how he missed them and wanting to let them know he was alright.

When it was his turn, he did not call his mother or his sisters. Instead, he called her. He loved his family but she…she was the calm to his storm. She was the one that made him feel like everything had not completely fallen apart and besides, he knew that she would reach out to his family for him.
He had had a bad day and all he wanted to do was hear her voice. When he heard her say ‘Hello’ on the other end, he knew. He knew that in that moment, that everything was going to be alright.

The Crying Game/I Lied/Grand Piano

 

I am a big fan of Nicki Minaj and when her album – The Pinkprint – dropped in 2015, I was excited. I was more excited to watch her short film on it but I never found the time. It’s either I would be doing something when I remembered or I would just not remember when I have the time. I finally watched it a couple of minutes ago and I loved it. I got inspired to write something based on the songs displayed in the short film. It’s been a while since I wrote poetry-like posts. I am very rusty and I’m the first to admit that it’s not the best but I’ll improve as I practice more. One thing I can tell you though is I put my heart into it and wrote it as best as I could. I hope you all like it.

 

The Crying Game

It starts in my throat
There is this sore pain
that I feel when I try to swallow
Then it works its way to my stomach
That feels like it is sinking
Then I start to feel my eyes water
And then I feel my heart about to explode
So I just let it out
This routine – I am used to
I feel myself die over and over again
It’s a sickening game
It’s a game of two hearts
the heart that breaks wins
why do you make it so easy?
In this game of hearts,
I win
my heart has won a thousand times

I Lied

I want to run
run far away
i can’t be what you want me to be
you want forever?
i can’t promise you that
how can i be sure?
how can i be sure that you won’t hurt me?
you think you want me?
you don’t
one day you will look at me
and not love me
you want to know a truth?
i do love you
a lot!
that’s the problem!

Grand Piano

I remember the day i told you I loved you
I almost bit my tongue
because I knew I couldn’t take it back
You knew…and now my heart was out and naked
That day, I knew I was fucked
I let you in and now you are a part of me
My mind, my heart, my body, my soul
if you were a drug
Then I’m an addict
You’re not good for me
but i keep wanting you
Lots of liessss
Lots of hurt
How is that I am still alive?
You keep playing my heart
Like a grand piano

Call me Beautiful

I love when I am called beautiful

Because I don’t hear it very often

I hear them say I’m nice, sweet, sometimes funny in a weird way

But it is rare for someone to tell me that I’m beautiful

I know that I do not need anyone’s validation

But it is always nice to hear that I have outer beauty as well as inner beauty

I mean, a girl just wants to know that she is a black beautiful goddess.

THE TOOTH FAIRY

The-Tooth-Fairy-A-Beautiful-Tradition

When I was a little girl, I loved cartoons.

Watching cartoons was the highlight of my day.

I could not wait to come home from school every day and watch cartoons.

And watch again after lessons,

And watch again after homework and dinner,

And watch again in between trying to convince my mum

That I smelt good and didn’t need a night bath (which never worked anyway)

And getting ready for bed.

For me, cartoons were my world.

I mean, do you see the way Blossom, Bubbles and Buttercup

Destroyed Mojo-Jojo and HIM?

Or how Scooby-Doo and the rest of the Mystery Inc.

always seemed to catch the bad guy at the end of the day?

Or how Ed, Ed & Eddie were magically able to fit a jawbreaker

the size of a bowling ball in their mouths?

Or how Fred Flintstone learned how to drive a car with his feet?

I could go on and on.

They took me away from reality.

Made me believe that anything is possible.

I wondered how it was possible for adults to outgrow that.

Well, during this cartoon-savvy time of my life,

I discovered the tooth fairy.

The tooth fairy was amazing.

She gave children money. Now what was the criteria for this?

Well, when a child’s tooth falls,

All the child has to do is to put that tooth under the pillow

And the tooth fairy will come at night when the child is sleeping

And make a trade.

Wow!

I could make money? Just from something natural that happened to me?

Well, okay then.

Time to do some business with the tooth fairy!

So, one day when my tooth fell,

I put the tooth under my pillow

In hopes to wake up to money that I could use to buy candy.

Well, the next day, I woke up early, eager to see my money

And…

No Money!

I didn’t understand.

Why was my tooth still there? Why didn’t the tooth fairy come?

Maybe she got lost, or forgot to check or maybe morning came too early.

Well, I decided to try again next time.

And I did!

Again…

And again…

And again…

Nothing!

It took a while for me to realise that,

The tooth fairy wasn’t coming

There was no tooth fairy!

It dawned on me that she did not exist.

I had to face the reality.

I later discovered that, parents were the ones that kept the money there

The tooth fairy really didn’t exist.

I was forced to face a reality that I wasn’t ready for.

But you know what, it taught me.

Life is not roses and butterflies.

I mean, we want to believe that it is but it really isn’t?

We have to understand that shit happens sometimes.

You know, terrible things happen

But so do good things,

It’s just about accepting and learning as they come.

Some wounds will be hard to heal.

Some might never heal completely, it might leave a scar

But with each passing day, we learn to live with it.

That’s what makes life, LIFE.

SUCH STUFF THAT DREAMS ARE MADE OF

You know what I want?

I want a world where…

I can move around without being judged

That I can be loved the way I love

That I can’t live in fear of my eternity

I don’t ask for much in this world

I didn’t ask to be here

I didn’t ask to suffer pain

But now I am here

I realise that it is all a part of my story

But really, all i truly want

Is to be happy

And I just don’t want to cry so often

‘You’re strong, You’ll be fine’

I hate hearing that sometimes

Yeah, I know I’m strong

But if I am strong for everyone else

Who would be strong for me?

Sometimes, I just need someone else to be strong for me

Not to just assume that I can handle it

Alas!

It is ‘Such Stuff That Dreams Are Made Of’

DOLLY-LAND

body-mind-soul-spirit-on-blackboard

My friend, Tomi messaged me this morning
He said: Hope all is well in dolly-land?
For some reason, the idea of dolly-land stuck
And I started to think of myself as a country
With different states: The body, the mind, the spirit and the soul

THE BODY

The body is an important part of dolly-land
It’s the first thing most people think about when dolly-land is mentioned
It’s like hearing Nigeria, and you think ‘Lagos’
Like hearing America and thinking ‘New York’
Or hearing England and thinking ‘London’
It’s the first thing people see and think about
The body in dolly-land is pretty much a beholder’s castle
Some people look at it and think ‘Woww’ and some people look at it and think ‘Meh’
The citizens of dolly-land like to believe that THE BODY is beautiful
But sometimes, it can’t help but think its ‘MEH’
They try not to feel insecure but it does happen sometimes
But the good thing about THE BODY in Dolly-land
Is that it doesn’t scare easily when it comes to changes
It’s one of the things that makes it special.

THE MIND

The mind is the brain of Dolly-land
It’s the parliament, the senate, the congress, the house of reps
Whatever you choose to call it.
It’s where the President resides
It’s where decisions are made
The MIND in Dolly-land
Is not the smartest cookie in the bunch
But it could be very open-minded
THE MIND in Dolly-land assimilates a lot of knowledge
It like to read about new things and learn about new things
Things that to others, might not seem so important
But it takes it in because you just never know
It could get distracted very easily, which is one of its many flaws
And it also procrastinates and does things last-minute
Which is not cool
But all in all, it tries its best to do what’s best for Dolly-land.

THE SPIRIT

The spirit in Dolly-land
It’s a tricky one.
It doesn’t necessarily have a particular job
But if I am to give it one, Ill say
It’s like the police of Dolly-land
This is because the spirit never sleeps
It’s always awake
Watching
And trying to become stronger
Because a strong spirit is good for Dolly-land.
It has to interact with a spirit much much much greater than its own
It has to be strong with God because God is the spirit that can make Dolly-land stronger.

THE SOUL

The soul in Dolly-land
Is the nucleus.
Without it, Dolly-land will not exist
It can never die
It lives on
It learns, it grows
It’s THE SOUL.

I don’t know what I just wrote but I felt good writing it. Thank you Tomi.

THE PLAN

dyed hair

So I had this grand idea…
This plan…
That was going to be life-changing
It was going to be mind-blowing
It was genius!
I had finally found a solution to this age-old problem of mine.
The plan was to change the colour of my hair.

YES!
That was the plan.
I believed that changing my hair would change me.
Changing my hair will make me a totally different person.
Changing my hair will change my life and I will be brand new.
In my head, this was a brilliant plan
And I didn’t give two fucks on what anyone else was going to think.

I knew the risks.
It could turn out bad.
Like really bad!
Like, I-could-lose-all-my-hair bad.
Like, I-could-look-very-ugly bad.
But I didn’t care.
This plan had to work.
It was all I had left.

So I went ahead with it.
I endured a few laughs from friends.
I endured some are-you-crazy looks
I didn’t care.
Because it was going to be worth it.
My life was going to change
For the better.

I had a friend cut my hair down lower
And my friends were amazed at how excited I was
When all the hair came off.
They didn’t understand.
This was it!
This was the moment that will change my life.
This was the moment that will turn my frowns upside down.
This was the moment that will make me never shed a tear again.
This was the moment that happiness was going to become me.

However, I was wrong.
My plan didn’t work.
It didn’t change me.
As I was taking a journey from Brighton to Buckingham,
I kept on looking at my reflection in the window
It was me…just a blonder looking me.
I didn’t change.

Then I realised that changing my hair was not going to change my life.
That really stung!.
I really thought it would.
I realised that I just needed something I could control;
Something that I could change since I couldn’t change my mess of a life.
And it was my hair.

My hair is not afraid to take risks.
My hair makes me brave and strangely confident sometimes.
My hair is the one thing that embraces change.
My hair enjoys LIVING
At the risk of looking ugly,
And even at the risk of losing itself.

The Plan might have actually worked.
Maybe not in the way I expected…
But at least, it gave me a chance.