Dolly Writes

Journey of a growing woman

Tag: black woman

I don’t want to settle

I don’t have the best relationship with my father, which is so sad to say because growing up, he was my favourite parent. His relationship with my mum was always rocky but for me as a kid, he felt like a safe place.

My mum was tough on me but he wasn’t. He was easy to be around in a way my mum wasn’t. I probably learnt my do-re-mi’s before I learnt my ABC’s because my dad was into music. He played the keyboard a lot and so most mornings, the sound of music would always be heard around the house.

He played a lot of hymns and so, some of the hymns I know today was heard in my home first before I heard it anywhere else.

He was the one that introduced my siblings and I to weird combos of food and he was the one that cracked jokes and always made me laugh.

My dad was the best. Until things got really bad between him and my mum and he took it out on us – the kids.

Based on my little knowledge on psychology, I know that my relationship with my dad has influenced my choice of men. Not only do I tend to go for men that are significantly older than me but I also seem to always seek validation from them. I go looking for acceptance from them because I did not get that from my father. I tend to go for men who care for me as long as it doesn’t impede on their own desires.

Now, I love my dad very much but there is no doubt that being emotionally abandoned by the very first man in my life affected me tremendously. And let’s not even talk about the molestation that I had endured from some of the men that were around me.

But, I don’t want that to hold me back anymore. I think I am deserving. I am deserving of a good man who loves God and will love and respect me also. I am worth that and much more and I am willing to wait until I get that because up until now, I have only gotten heartache. I don’t want to settle. And I know that in the end, I will get the amazing man that I deserve.

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Butterfly

There was a time that you were all I could think of

You were a dream, a wish that came true

A part of me that I never even knew existed

You were all I wanted; all I needed and more

Or so I thought

 

I gave you all of me…

My heart, my spirit, my soul, my body

I loved you, cared for you, prayed for you

I lifted you up, dimmed my light for you

I would have slayed dragons for you

And what did I get in return?

My heart used in a playing field of your liesĀ  and your deceit

 

And yet I stayed

Because my love for you wanted to believe that you would want to be better for me

It wasn’t all you!

I also stayed for selfish reasons

I stayed because I didn’t have the strength to deal with the pain of building myself back up from the rubble that you left of my heart

I was afraid of being alone

 

It was hard

I thought I had let you go but there was something drawing me to you

It was fear

I did not know how to move on from that part of my life

But I did

 

Like a Phoenix, I saw myself rising again

Freed from the chains that was holding me back

This person that I thought would never show up did

This butterfly…free at last!

And never turning back

The cocoon had been filled with pain but that pain moulded me and shaped me

Like a potter with clay

And now I am ready to fly

 

A day would come when you would look for me

You would go to all the corners of the earth

Searching for me

But you wouldn’t find me

Or you just might

But I wouldn’t be yours for the taking

And you would tell stories that would last generations

Of the one that got away!

Cherry

This box of mine

Oh so beautiful

Oh so sweet

 

Full of character

Full of life

Available to the one who sacrifices

 

This cherry of mine

Oh so priceless

Not for sale

 

Not to be taken for granted

Not to be trivialised

Try not to be foolish!

 

 

 

Photo: Maggie Terlecki

Ceiling Fan

I just want to float

And be free

And feel the evening breeze

 

I just want to lay

On the wooden floors

And stare at the ceiling

 

I just want to be

With nothing more than a sheet

That covers yet reveals

 

I want to feel like Eve

Before the serpent

Before everything went to shit.