Dolly Writes

Journey of a growing woman

Tag: Dolly’s Life

The journey to strong mental health is a continuous one

Don’t cry for me Argentina. I’ll be just fine

My mental health has taken a hit lately. It is no secret that I suffered from depression few years ago. I was on anti-depressants for a moment and I also had suicidal thoughts. It took me a while to get over it but eventually I did through prayer, new friendships and a departure from toxicity. However, I have learned that this journey is a continuous one.

Over the last two years, I’ve had moments where I’ve felt triggered but they have always remained that – moments. Lately, it’s lasted longer than I planned. I can’t exactly figure out when it started but I’m grateful because I know the signs so I’ve caught it early before it can do any real damage.

And while it’s still pretty mild and in knowing who God is and how much he loves me, suicidal thoughts have not come into play and I believe it wouldn’t. However, it’s still hard. I feel tormented inside and I’m trying to deal with it as best as I can. For one, I’m speaking about it and praying about it and even talking to friends and I know that I would be okay soon.

I just want people to know that your mental health is very important. It is not a joke and you should take care of it as best as you can. It is very essential and don’t feel ashamed about it.

To my fellow misfits going through a hard time, you will be okay, I assure you of that. Just know that you are awesome and this shall pass too.

Don’t cry for me Argentina, I’ll be just fine. I just need to do some serious work on myself and I have come a very long way from where I was a few years ago. I am more equipped to deal with this than I’ve ever been and I know that God is making everything work together for my good and I trust Him. It was important to me that I shared this with you all so I hope you don’t mind.

In the mean time, here is a pretty picture of me for you to enjoy. Lol

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I am through with the dating game.

What is it about me that says ‘ready to be played?’ 

I spent the last week being completely depressed. I slept a lot. I cried a lot and I thought a lot. One could say it was due to PMS or one could say it was due to the fact that I got approached by yet another dude who likes me enough to want to have sex with me but not enough to actually date me. Or it could be both, who knows? Crazier things have happened eh?

As you may know, I am a romantic. I am corny. I am sappy. I believe that love is one of the most meaningful things in this world but lately, I’ve started to doubt that. I mean, I still think it is but maybe just not for me. I am at my wit’s end when it comes to this dating game and at this point, I just want to simply step out of it.

I feel exhausted and worn out. Maybe it’s the PMS but I spent the last week trying to figure out what was wrong with me. What is it about me that says ‘ready to be played?’

In the last few years, I have grown to be more confident in the woman that I am but this last week showed me that I still have a long way to go. But as for this dating game, I feel done. I feel through.

And it sucks more because I have loved but haven’t ever felt that love back. So, I don’t even know what it means to be in a relationship with a person who thinks you’re the best thing since sliced bread. And I worry sometimes that I wouldn’t get that.

This is not post asking for sympathy. This is just a post that mirrors what I am going through in my life right now. And I want to know if I have sisters or brothers out there who feel the way I do. But, as of right now, I’m done.

I can’t keep doing this. It’s not even fun anymore.

Unrequited.

So I fell in love with a man

A very sweet man

A sweet chocolate man

With lots of ambition

Lots of talent

Lots of drive

And this man made me feel different

He made me feel like I could do anything

That I could be anything

Not because of anything he did in particular

But just by being who he is

And oh, how at peace he made me feel

But this man like any man; like most people; like everyone

Is flawed

Not in any way that I couldn’t handle

But was enough to push me away

He pushed me away…

This sweet chocolate man…

And I miss him everyday

My heart yearns for him everyday

But I have to respect his wants and desires

And stay far far away…

 

 

 

Photo Source: Tech in Asia

I don’t want to settle

I don’t have the best relationship with my father, which is so sad to say because growing up, he was my favourite parent. His relationship with my mum was always rocky but for me as a kid, he felt like a safe place.

My mum was tough on me but he wasn’t. He was easy to be around in a way my mum wasn’t. I probably learnt my do-re-mi’s before I learnt my ABC’s because my dad was into music. He played the keyboard a lot and so most mornings, the sound of music would always be heard around the house.

He played a lot of hymns and so, some of the hymns I know today was heard in my home first before I heard it anywhere else.

He was the one that introduced my siblings and I to weird combos of food and he was the one that cracked jokes and always made me laugh.

My dad was the best. Until things got really bad between him and my mum and he took it out on us – the kids.

Based on my little knowledge on psychology, I know that my relationship with my dad has influenced my choice of men. Not only do I tend to go for men that are significantly older than me but I also seem to always seek validation from them. I go looking for acceptance from them because I did not get that from my father. I tend to go for men who care for me as long as it doesn’t impede on their own desires.

Now, I love my dad very much but there is no doubt that being emotionally abandoned by the very first man in my life affected me tremendously. And let’s not even talk about the molestation that I had endured from some of the men that were around me.

But, I don’t want that to hold me back anymore. I think I am deserving. I am deserving of a good man who loves God and will love and respect me also. I am worth that and much more and I am willing to wait until I get that because up until now, I have only gotten heartache. I don’t want to settle. And I know that in the end, I will get the amazing man that I deserve.

I don’t want to remember

I don’t want to remember you

The ‘you’ that made my whole world spin round and round

To the point where I felt dizzy but yet and still, I did not want it to stop

 

I don’t want to remember your smile

That beautiful smile that was like sunshine on a dark cloudy day

 

I don’t want to remember how good it felt to hold you

To feel the warmth of your body against mine

 

I don’t want to remember your voice

That voice that sounded like King David had been awoken to play his harp once again

 

I don’t want to remember how glorious it felt to look at you

It was like looking at a sculpture carved by Michelangelo

So majestic; So grand

 

I don’t want to remember how much you opened my mind

To all the possibilities that this world has to offer

 

I don’t want to remember

Because when I remember, I smile a little

But then this sharp pain appears in my chest and spreads fast through out my body leaving me weak and helpless

As it takes me back to a time

When you and I felt right

 

A time when both of us were in alignment with the universe

And Orion seemed to be so clear in a city filled with lights

 

Yeah, remembering hurts…

 

 

P.S. To all my amazing readers, I feel like I owe you an explanation for my long absence and all would be explained in a separate post. Thank you for sticking with me. I love you guys so much. And there are better days ahead this year for me and for you. Believe that. Oh, and before I forget, Happy Valentines day. ❤