Dolly Writes

Journey of a growing woman

Tag: personal blogger

His Stay Was Meant To be Temporary…

In a lot of ways, he reminds me of my father. Not an exact copy; but there are just things about him – almost like a modern, more evolved version of my father (but my father nonetheless. And the first time I noticed that, I was scared shitless!

 

I never told you guys this but when I started writing on this blog again, I vowed that I was going to be as honest as I could.

Not to say that I haven’t been honest in the past but I just think that there are a lot of things that I am afraid to talk about, especially in my writing and I want that to change.

Anyway, in keeping to the theme of honesty, I got my heart broken recently. I hate that it happened because the guy and I were never in a relationship. We only knew each other for a very short amount of time but I find that the time that I spent with him was incredibly impactful in my life; in a way that I never expected it to be. He is like a unicorn to me because I have never met anyone who could affect me the way he did in such a short period of time.

From the way it started to the way it ended has been a real life lesson so far. It taught me a lot about myself, my future and my character. I don’t regret it though because I honestly feel like I needed someone like him to push me in the direction that I needed to go in every aspect of my life. I have come to accept that he was never supposed to be in my life for a long period of time; I just needed him to get me moving to the next phase of my life.

He did get into my heart…enough to break it at least. He made me confront a lot of issues that I have. For example, in a lot of ways, he reminds me of my father. Not an exact copy; but there are just things about him – almost like a modern, more evolved version of my father (but my father nonetheless. And the first time I noticed that, I was scared shitless! I always said that I never wanted to marry a man like my father and I would avoid it at all costs. But here I was, seeing a guy who was a replica of my father and I was so drawn to him that I did not realise it early enough.

He was such a teachable moment for me and I can’t help but thank God for bringing him into my life for all He taught me through this man. For one, he is extremely talented ad being so close to him and seeing how hard he worked as a creative was so inspiring. He always advised me to step out on my own and do the things that I love. And honestly, it was while I was seeing him that I started actively thinking about my creative future. And that is one thing I’ll always be thankful to him for.

I also learnt from how he treated me. In a lot of ways, he really was my father. I had so much respect for him (and still do) and it seemed that at the beginning, he saw me for who I was (just like my father when I was younger). Then, as time went on, he rejected me for things that honestly did not even make any real sense. He accused me of not caring about him and always playing the victim and being selfish. Lol. I had to laugh here because it is so far from who I am and anyone who knows me will tell you that. I cared about him so much and I was constantly thinking about him and how special I thought he was. I had always tried to impress him because I loved and respected him and I wanted him to be proud of me but I don’t think i mattered to him as much. It hurt to realise that but I have come to accept that he was not supposed to be in my life for a long time. His stay was meant to be temporary but with a purpose and that was to teach me more about myself.

Were there mistakes I made? Sure. Could I have been less needy, clingy, emotional? Yes, I could have been but none of this was enough to warrant the way he spoke to me in the end. But it’s okay because I realised that I need to be more accepting of myself.

If i don’t see myself through God’s eyes or accept myself for who I am, how do I expect somebody else to accept me? I need to get away from that thinking that believes that I need validation from other people especially men because if I don’t, I’ll keep on meeting replicas of my father. And I can’t have that.

I am on a journey of self love, self acceptance, self improvement; and I am determined to be as authentic as I can be; to be more accepting of my flaws, quirks, imperfections; to work on things that I would like to change and just accept that I am an amazing woman.

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Unrequited.

So I fell in love with a man

A very sweet man

A sweet chocolate man

With lots of ambition

Lots of talent

Lots of drive

And this man made me feel different

He made me feel like I could do anything

That I could be anything

Not because of anything he did in particular

But just by being who he is

And oh, how at peace he made me feel

But this man like any man; like most people; like everyone

Is flawed

Not in any way that I couldn’t handle

But was enough to push me away

He pushed me away…

This sweet chocolate man…

And I miss him everyday

My heart yearns for him everyday

But I have to respect his wants and desires

And stay far far away…

 

 

 

Photo Source: Tech in Asia

I don’t want to settle

I don’t have the best relationship with my father, which is so sad to say because growing up, he was my favourite parent. His relationship with my mum was always rocky but for me as a kid, he felt like a safe place.

My mum was tough on me but he wasn’t. He was easy to be around in a way my mum wasn’t. I probably learnt my do-re-mi’s before I learnt my ABC’s because my dad was into music. He played the keyboard a lot and so most mornings, the sound of music would always be heard around the house.

He played a lot of hymns and so, some of the hymns I know today was heard in my home first before I heard it anywhere else.

He was the one that introduced my siblings and I to weird combos of food and he was the one that cracked jokes and always made me laugh.

My dad was the best. Until things got really bad between him and my mum and he took it out on us – the kids.

Based on my little knowledge on psychology, I know that my relationship with my dad has influenced my choice of men. Not only do I tend to go for men that are significantly older than me but I also seem to always seek validation from them. I go looking for acceptance from them because I did not get that from my father. I tend to go for men who care for me as long as it doesn’t impede on their own desires.

Now, I love my dad very much but there is no doubt that being emotionally abandoned by the very first man in my life affected me tremendously. And let’s not even talk about the molestation that I had endured from some of the men that were around me.

But, I don’t want that to hold me back anymore. I think I am deserving. I am deserving of a good man who loves God and will love and respect me also. I am worth that and much more and I am willing to wait until I get that because up until now, I have only gotten heartache. I don’t want to settle. And I know that in the end, I will get the amazing man that I deserve.

The Ground Is Shifting

Then the Lord answered me and said, “Record the vision and inscribe it on tablets…”

  • Habbakuk 2:2 (NASB)

When I started blogging about six and a half years ago, it was supposed to be an outlet for me – a way for me to express myself the best way I knew how. At the time, it seemed so easy. I could wake up one day and decide to write something and it would not be a problem for me. I never worried about not being good enough – I just wrote.

Then, by the time I got into uni, things took a left turn for me. I became the most depressed I had ever been in my life and at first, I was still able to pull from my depression to write without any problems, up until I couldn’t.

I had never really been the most secure person or the most confident but when that depression hit, I lost even the little security or confidence that I had. I was in a relationship with someone who repeatedly cheated on me. And I loved him. With every ounce of my being, I loved him even more than myself. That’s where I made the mistake.

I cared more about his happiness than mine and I allowed him walk all over me. This is not in any way meant to bash him because I don’t see him as a bad person even now. But he hurt me so bad. And I lost myself. It was always so easy for me to write because no matter what I was going through, I was never really embarrassed about my feelings.

However, this time I was. He was not the cause of my depression as I also had some other issues that I was dealing with but his actions was a major trigger for me. So, I started finding it difficult to express myself. I was in constant pain. I didn’t know when it started but by the time I realised it, I was already far gone.

I found it difficult to write – the one thing that was my outlet. Can you imagine how horrible that is? And I was just angry at God for such a long time. I still wrote. There are still posts on my blog from those depressing times but believe me when I say, it took great pain to write them.

There were times I really didn’t want to write but it kept drawing me in even though I couldn’t really figure out how to. As at 2017, my depression had already started lifting and I started to write a bit more but I had been embarrassed about my feelings for so long that it had almost become second nature. So, it was definitely going to take some time to get back to me.

Last year, I found it a little bit easier to write (still not all the way there yet but it was an improvement). But then, I got so caught up at work that I could not find the time or the will power to write.

But…God came all the way through in such a beautiful way.

After NYSC, I left Punch and started working at my mother’s logistics company. It is a new company and I was able to be there to help her from the moment the company launched.

Prior to the end of NYSC, I was not sure what I was going to do afterwards. I had always just gone with the flow without really having a clear vision. I knew I wanted to leave Punch. I just felt that my time there was up but I didn’t know what I would do after. When my mum offered me the job to help run it, I was like ‘okay’. I mean, it was something to do and I just figured ‘why not?’ She still has a full-time job and she goes in and out of Lagos often so, I have been running the day-to-day activities.

However, at the beginning of this year, things started to become clearer for me. I felt like this year was my year to just take charge of my life. I wasn’t sure how I was going to do it but I just knew that something had to change. I realised that I was beginning to get older. I mean, I am 23 years old right now and while that is still pretty young, it just feels scary how much time flies in your 20s. I still remember my 18th birthday like it was yesterday and now, I am whole 23 year old woman.

So, I realised that I have to take this ‘adulting’ thing serious from here on out. I need to start saving and making investments and most importantly start following my dreams and that is where God began to show Himself. He actually started by putting all these mini-thoughts in my head; almost like setting things in place.

First off, with the logistics job, I thought I might be in it for a year before I started to consider leaving and I felt Him tell me that when it was time to leave, I would know. I had been trying to start a podcast last year but fear did not let me. Then, a friend of mine, Isaac reached out to me in early January about starting a podcast together and honestly, I wasn’t sure at first. But then, I realised how much sense it made and when we met up for our first meeting, we had such an easy conversation that I knew that this was going to work.

Then, I had said towards the end of last year that I was going to focus more on my script writing. I planned on writing a play and putting it on this year and I had made a pact with my sister to send her a draft by January 15th. When that deadline came, I had not even written a word and it weighed heavily on my mind. On Saturday, 10th Feb, I realised that I needed to start doing the things I loved and really start taking it seriously. By the next day, I felt God telling me that it was time. The time had come. He gave me such a clear vision on how to move forward and I had never seen my path so clearly ever before. And I am so grateful that He did that for me. I was even so sure that this was the right way to go because everything else just seemed to fall into place.

It was the most amazing feeling and still is. So, I decided to quit my job working for my mother. I knew that I would not be able to accomplish anything I wanted to do if I kept working in the company because I would never have the time. When I told her, she understood and she knew that eventually, I would want to pursue other things.

So, the deal we made was to leave in March. She has even found someone that could replace me and I am just happy and excited to be moving forward in my life. I am taking a huge leap from a job that pays so well but  I feel so much passion in my soul for God and this new path and it just completely fills me up. Walking away from the money does not feel difficult in any way.

I listened to a sermon by Sarah Jakes Roberts recently titled ‘The Ground is Shifting’. She explained that when one looks at the sky and sees it moving, it’s not the sky that is moving but the ground. The ground is shifting and so we change position sometimes and never really realise it in that moment. For example, you could be friends with a person all your life and then slowly, you start to drift apart – not necessarily because anyone did anything wrong but a shift has happened. The person you were has changed and maybe that person hasn’t. Or maybe its the other way around. Either way, both of you can’t really seem to find common ground anymore. This doesn’t happen with everyone but it’s something that does happen. That is just an example.

Basically for me, the ground has shifted in terms of my journey. I don’t know when it happened but it did and I am feeling the effects of it now (in the most amazing way). God has been so good to me – I can’t even stress that enough. I had always prayed to God to reveal a path for me and at some point, it felt like He wasn’t even listening to me. But, He was. He gave me the tools I needed to reach this point. He prepared me for this. Even working at a start-up was a way for me to learn patience and sacrifice and He knew that I would need those things. I mean, just how awesome is He? I can’t even put it into words.

Anyway, this is just a gist that I hope gives a clear explanation of my absence. I have so much in store and by the grace of God, fear would not win. Fear has always prevented me from doing a lot of things but I refuse to give into fear any longer.

Thank you for reading as always and I will be updating as I make all my moves this year.

All my love,

Dolly.

100 Subscriberssss!!!! + Giveaway!

So, I have waited so long to write this post and I am so excited to announce that we finally reached a 100 subscribers on this blog! Yay! Actually, it’s a 102 subscribers now and I am just over the moon.

I have owned this blog for five years and this is one of those milestones that I really wanted to reach. It definitely took me a while but it does not matter because this is where we are now.

I am so thankful to each and everyone of you for reading, liking, commenting and just lending me such wonderful support. It is for this reason that I want to celebrate this milestone with a giveaway to one of you beautiful people.

You guys have been so amazing to me and I would never be able to thank you enough but I hope this does. I want to give away two pieces of literature that have really inspired me as a writer. As I am currently trying out my writing with short stories and short film scripts, I thought the ideal gift to give will be two short story books by two writers that I love so much and have opened my mind up to so many writing possibilities.

The two books are: The Thing Around Your Neck (Short Story Collection) by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie  AND What We Talk About When We Talk about Love (Short Story Collection) by Raymond Carver. These two authors are super amazing and the stories they tell are different and so easy to read. I keep going back to them when my mind needs a little push and I hope you love them too.

Okay. So the rules of this giveaway are simple.

  1. If you are not following, already, please do so.
  2. In the comments below, write down the name of your FAVOURITE post that I have written on this blog, why you LOVE it and please, leave your NAME and EMAIL ADDRESS there as well.
  3. On FRIDAY 23rd MARCH, I will choose the winner (randomly) and I will announce it to you all.

So, that is all you need to do for a chance to win. I wish there was more I can give but this is it for now. As this blog continues to grow, I hope to do more of these and with that, the gifts will continue to increase.

Thank you once again for 100 subscribers!!!!! You all are the very best and I love you all so very much. If you have any questions, please ask and I look forward to your comments. ❤