Dolly Writes

Journey of a growing woman

Tag: relationship

I am through with the dating game.

What is it about me that says ‘ready to be played?’ 

I spent the last week being completely depressed. I slept a lot. I cried a lot and I thought a lot. One could say it was due to PMS or one could say it was due to the fact that I got approached by yet another dude who likes me enough to want to have sex with me but not enough to actually date me. Or it could be both, who knows? Crazier things have happened eh?

As you may know, I am a romantic. I am corny. I am sappy. I believe that love is one of the most meaningful things in this world but lately, I’ve started to doubt that. I mean, I still think it is but maybe just not for me. I am at my wit’s end when it comes to this dating game and at this point, I just want to simply step out of it.

I feel exhausted and worn out. Maybe it’s the PMS but I spent the last week trying to figure out what was wrong with me. What is it about me that says ‘ready to be played?’

In the last few years, I have grown to be more confident in the woman that I am but this last week showed me that I still have a long way to go. But as for this dating game, I feel done. I feel through.

And it sucks more because I have loved but haven’t ever felt that love back. So, I don’t even know what it means to be in a relationship with a person who thinks you’re the best thing since sliced bread. And I worry sometimes that I wouldn’t get that.

This is not post asking for sympathy. This is just a post that mirrors what I am going through in my life right now. And I want to know if I have sisters or brothers out there who feel the way I do. But, as of right now, I’m done.

I can’t keep doing this. It’s not even fun anymore.

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I don’t want to settle

I don’t have the best relationship with my father, which is so sad to say because growing up, he was my favourite parent. His relationship with my mum was always rocky but for me as a kid, he felt like a safe place.

My mum was tough on me but he wasn’t. He was easy to be around in a way my mum wasn’t. I probably learnt my do-re-mi’s before I learnt my ABC’s because my dad was into music. He played the keyboard a lot and so most mornings, the sound of music would always be heard around the house.

He played a lot of hymns and so, some of the hymns I know today was heard in my home first before I heard it anywhere else.

He was the one that introduced my siblings and I to weird combos of food and he was the one that cracked jokes and always made me laugh.

My dad was the best. Until things got really bad between him and my mum and he took it out on us – the kids.

Based on my little knowledge on psychology, I know that my relationship with my dad has influenced my choice of men. Not only do I tend to go for men that are significantly older than me but I also seem to always seek validation from them. I go looking for acceptance from them because I did not get that from my father. I tend to go for men who care for me as long as it doesn’t impede on their own desires.

Now, I love my dad very much but there is no doubt that being emotionally abandoned by the very first man in my life affected me tremendously. And let’s not even talk about the molestation that I had endured from some of the men that were around me.

But, I don’t want that to hold me back anymore. I think I am deserving. I am deserving of a good man who loves God and will love and respect me also. I am worth that and much more and I am willing to wait until I get that because up until now, I have only gotten heartache. I don’t want to settle. And I know that in the end, I will get the amazing man that I deserve.

Uncharted Territory

I am entering a brand new chapter in my life. Actually, scratch that. I am in a new chapter in my life. I’m in it whether I like it or not. There are so many changes taking place in my life at the moment and I feel overwhelmed.

I believe that change is necessary but I am a hoarder of sentiments and feelings and so, it is always hard for me to leave a previous chapter because that chapter is familiar to me. With entering a new phase, I always get nervous and scared of what it might bring.

The one change that I am going to focus on today is my new single life. I haven’t been single since I was 17 years old and I just got out of my first ‘for real, for real’ relationship. You know, when I was in secondary school, I dated about two people but it was definitely nothing like this. This relationship was my first taste of an actual relationship — we spent a lot of time together, we did a lot of things together, we laughed, we argued, there were horrible moments and there were great moments.

However, that relationship had to end and at first, it was hard to deal with it but eventually, I got over it and it was a great and vey necessary decision to make. I feel like I am breathing a new kind of air. I am as excited as I am nervous because this is uncharted territory for me.

I feel like being single in your 20s is very different from being single in your teens. So, I am trying to figure out the ropes. The most important thing to me is to figure myself out. I have a lot of maturing to do and I want to lay a good foundation in my professional life. At the moment, my heart can only handle me. I don’t have it in me to fall for someone else or give my heart to someone else. It is too much energy for me to handle right now.

So, in trying to figure out this new singledom, I am just going to ensure that I look out for myself and look out for my own happiness because no one is going to do that for me.

 

Photo: Middle Market Growth