DAY 6: Love is a choice

Yeah, I know, I haven’t written in a few days. I told you guys that I would try to be consistent; I didn’t guarantee that I would. I have actually been really busy and I just could not get to it but tonight, I have a thought to share.

Many of you who have read my blog for years know that I am a romantic. I believe in true love and I just genuinely love, love. In the past I had never been scared to express this to those that I cared about. I mean, yeah I was scared but I always thought that it was better to say how you felt and damn the consequences.

But, I realise that when it came to the subject of love, I’ve been extremely naïve. I thought love was just all about feeling. Thank God for growth? Amen?

I’ve learned that love is a choice. A lot of people don’t understand that the heart is evil. The Bible says that the heart is “desperately wicked.” The heart seeks pleasure above all else. And that is where our feelings emanate. One has to be careful not to be deceived by it. If you say you love someone just based off of a feeling, my dear, I think you need to re-evaluate your definition of love.

I read something a few years ago that I would never forget. It’s one of my favourite quotes, from the book “Captain Corelli’s Mandolin”. It says:

“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don’t blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being “in love”, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.”

Human beings are fickle. We can easily change our minds at the drop of a hat. Think of that shirt or sweater that you ‘loved’ so much four years ago, do you even remember where it is? Even if you do, how much of that love is still there? I know human beings are not shirts or sweaters but do you get my point? Will you leave this person that you claim to love if the worst thing of their lives happened to them? What if that sexy body you loved so much in your partner changes after a while, would you still love them?

All I’m saying is, love is not all about feelings. It is a choice you make every single day. You choose to love that person no matter what happens. You have to be intentional about it so that it becomes you. Remember I said that the heart seeks pleasure above all else; now if one day, the heart didn’t want that person anybody but sought after another, would you then leave that person to chase after the other?

Through the grace of God, this year, I have been wiser when it comes to love. While I think it’s good to be honest about your feelings, I also think that one needs to be wise in the manner in which they express it too. I think one needs to gauge where those feelings are coming from and ensure that they come from a place that has roots and not just from random feelings that the heart produces everyday.

In my loving, I choose people. I choose them every day.

Day 22: I had a semi-honest conversation with my mother

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My mum and I have an interesting relationship. She is the opposite of me in so many ways. The only things that I see that we have in common is our love for the TV series, Greenleaf and The Crown. Other than that, I won’t say that we are friends. She is my mother; I’m her daughter. That’s it. 

I always wanted to have a friendly type of relationship with her but I’ve come to accept that, it’s probably not going to happen. And I’m learning that, that’s okay too. She has done her best and I am very thankful for that. 

I have never felt comfortable talking to her about anything. She is not the most approachable person and there is this huge anxious energy that always made me afraid and nervous to speak to her about things really bothering me. 

However, a few weeks ago, we finally had a semi-honest conversation. She had seem me doing something I wasn’t supposed to be doing and she was livid. I mean, she was really upset and to be honest, she had every right to be. But, in the midst of that, I felt God telling me to use this opportunity to have a conversation. 

God has a sense of humour, I have to say.

Anyway, we talked. I told her a bunch of things that had been bothering my mind about her behaviour towards me. I also explained some of the things that I had experienced in the last few years that she had no idea about. 

And I felt like, for the first time, she made an effort to listen. I mean, there were still things that we couldn’t talk about because I still felt anxious bringing some of those things up. But, I think, that moment shifted our relationship in a positive direction just a little bit.

There is still much that hasn’t changed. I still can’t talk to her about a lot of things. I try to avoid her as much as I can — which is crazy, cause we live in the same house. And I don’t even know why I’m avoiding her. Right before writing this post, I had wanted to go downstairs to get something and I heard her voice and I just went back into my room. She came back from work last night, and I heard her voice but for four hours, I didn’t go and meet her until she called me that she hadn’t seen me. I felt God ask me, “Why are you running?” And I told him, “I don’t know.” 

There is this part of me that just wants to avoid conflict at all costs. I don’t want my day to be ruined by something that could have been avoided. I’ve really been trying to take care of my mental health and I don’t want to mess it up. 

But it’s something I’m trying to deal with. 

It’s not all negative though. One positive example that I can give is from last week. She had annoyed me because I had done so much running around for her and she still found a way to yell at me in the end. However, after a while, she spoke to me like nothing had happened. She tried to laugh with me and stuff. I was still upset and normally, I would have shown it but I decided to just accept that she was trying. 

And at the end of the day, I’m thankful that she is trying even if its just a little bit. I don’t know what the future of our relationship is — only God knows. And I trust that He is working everything all out. 

For now though, I am working on me and being mindful and fearless. And I know that when I am at my best, it would bring out the best in all the other relationships in my life — my mother and I included. 

Day 23: I am more aware of what I require in a man.

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I had a very interesting summer! (and I say that with a lot of giggles and butterflies). In the midst of all the chaos, I had some bliss. It was very unexpected and I think that’s what made it all the more amazing. I spent a lot of time with a fellow human and it was the best part of the last two years for me. This human made me feel like me. There is something to be said for a person who brings our your inner sunshine; the part of you that has forgotten that there is beauty in laughing at yourself and just laughing, PERIOD. 

Anyway, that experience was such a blessing and it made me realise that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with someone I can’t laugh with. We have to be laughing all the time. That is someone who cares about you – If he makes you laugh. I also realised that I don’t want to be with someone who can’t be honest with me and someone who makes me feel like I can’t be honest with him. 

I haven’t had the greatest experiences with men – and it wasn’t completely on them. I have had my own issues that affected my confidence, my self esteem and my being. And a lot of times, I felt like maybe I wasn’t worthy of being loved. 

However, this summer, I discovered a part of myself. I felt a part of myself come alive and I knew that this was how I wanted to feel all the time – whether with someone or by myself. God, through this wonderful human, gave me that — the ability to see that I deserve more. 

My New Podcast: Road to 30

Anyone that knows me knows that I like to talk. Lol. If you allow me, I will talk your ear off. As a matter of fact, if I meet you for the first time and I just keep on talking, take it as a compliment because it means that I like you.

I have always been interested in this area of media. The summer before I entered university, I got the opportunity to get some work experience at a radio station which was such a wonderful time for me. I had actually shared a part of my experience there on this blog. You can check it out here. So, basically this was always something that I always wanted to do.

So, since I wasn’t able to get a job working at a radio station, I wanted to take matters into my own hands by starting a podcast. I even recorded an episode and everything but fear crippled me. I just couldn’t hack it.

Then, in walked my friend, Isaac. I have known Isaac for just about a decade. I had first met him when I went along with my secondary school for some competition at his secondary school. Then, he mentioned to me that he was my very good friend, Millicent’s cousin and the rest is history. Over the years, we communicated on and off. Then, earlier this year, Millicent told me that Isaac wanted to start a podcast. And honestly, the thought crossed my mind about doing it with him but then I shut it down because I felt we were moving in two different directions.

However, a few days later, he messaged me and asked me if I was interested in starting one with him and the more I thought about it, the more sense it made to me. I felt it would be great to have a partner as opposed to doing it alone. Everything seemed to work out so well because he lives very close to me and so, meeting up was no problem at all.

Our first meeting went very well and we communicated so well. We realised that we wanted to create a show that showcased all the joys and excitements of being in our 20s and we knew that there are tons of people who would be able to relate. It took us a few months to get it all together but on April 28th, 2019, we released our very first episode.

We have gotten such great feedback from it and we are super excited to keep going and creating content. So, please, I would appreciate if you guys support our podcast by listening, subscribing and commenting. I would share the Soundcloud recordings below and I will also provide the iTunes and Spotify links for those that would prefer those avenues.

Episode 1: Is adulting a scam?

On this episode we talk about the journey of adulting and if it is everything that we thought it would be. Take a listen below:

 

Episode 2: Losing Friendships

As we get older, we notice that our circles get smaller. We discuss our experiences of some of the friendships that have fallen on the way side as we have gotten older.

Unfortunately, I am having trouble sharing the last one on this post but if you head to here, you will be directed to all the platforms that our podcast is on for your choosing. Also, please follow us on our social media platforms

Instagram & Twitter: @roadto30podcast

I love you guys. Thanks for sticking with me and forgive my shameless plugging. Lol.