Dolly Writes

Journey of a growing woman

Tag: work

The Ground Is Shifting

Then the Lord answered me and said, “Record the vision and inscribe it on tablets…”

  • Habbakuk 2:2 (NASB)

When I started blogging about six and a half years ago, it was supposed to be an outlet for me – a way for me to express myself the best way I knew how. At the time, it seemed so easy. I could wake up one day and decide to write something and it would not be a problem for me. I never worried about not being good enough – I just wrote.

Then, by the time I got into uni, things took a left turn for me. I became the most depressed I had ever been in my life and at first, I was still able to pull from my depression to write without any problems, up until I couldn’t.

I had never really been the most secure person or the most confident but when that depression hit, I lost even the little security or confidence that I had. I was in a relationship with someone who repeatedly cheated on me. And I loved him. With every ounce of my being, I loved him even more than myself. That’s where I made the mistake.

I cared more about his happiness than mine and I allowed him walk all over me. This is not in any way meant to bash him because I don’t see him as a bad person even now. But he hurt me so bad. And I lost myself. It was always so easy for me to write because no matter what I was going through, I was never really embarrassed about my feelings.

However, this time I was. He was not the cause of my depression as I also had some other issues that I was dealing with but his actions was a major trigger for me. So, I started finding it difficult to express myself. I was in constant pain. I didn’t know when it started but by the time I realised it, I was already far gone.

I found it difficult to write – the one thing that was my outlet. Can you imagine how horrible that is? And I was just angry at God for such a long time. I still wrote. There are still posts on my blog from those depressing times but believe me when I say, it took great pain to write them.

There were times I really didn’t want to write but it kept drawing me in even though I couldn’t really figure out how to. As at 2017, my depression had already started lifting and I started to write a bit more but I had been embarrassed about my feelings for so long that it had almost become second nature. So, it was definitely going to take some time to get back to me.

Last year, I found it a little bit easier to write (still not all the way there yet but it was an improvement). But then, I got so caught up at work that I could not find the time or the will power to write.

But…God came all the way through in such a beautiful way.

After NYSC, I left Punch and started working at my mother’s logistics company. It is a new company and I was able to be there to help her from the moment the company launched.

Prior to the end of NYSC, I was not sure what I was going to do afterwards. I had always just gone with the flow without really having a clear vision. I knew I wanted to leave Punch. I just felt that my time there was up but I didn’t know what I would do after. When my mum offered me the job to help run it, I was like ‘okay’. I mean, it was something to do and I just figured ‘why not?’ She still has a full-time job and she goes in and out of Lagos often so, I have been running the day-to-day activities.

However, at the beginning of this year, things started to become clearer for me. I felt like this year was my year to just take charge of my life. I wasn’t sure how I was going to do it but I just knew that something had to change. I realised that I was beginning to get older. I mean, I am 23 years old right now and while that is still pretty young, it just feels scary how much time flies in your 20s. I still remember my 18th birthday like it was yesterday and now, I am whole 23 year old woman.

So, I realised that I have to take this ‘adulting’ thing serious from here on out. I need to start saving and making investments and most importantly start following my dreams and that is where God began to show Himself. He actually started by putting all these mini-thoughts in my head; almost like setting things in place.

First off, with the logistics job, I thought I might be in it for a year before I started to consider leaving and I felt Him tell me that when it was time to leave, I would know. I had been trying to start a podcast last year but fear did not let me. Then, a friend of mine, Isaac reached out to me in early January about starting a podcast together and honestly, I wasn’t sure at first. But then, I realised how much sense it made and when we met up for our first meeting, we had such an easy conversation that I knew that this was going to work.

Then, I had said towards the end of last year that I was going to focus more on my script writing. I planned on writing a play and putting it on this year and I had made a pact with my sister to send her a draft by January 15th. When that deadline came, I had not even written a word and it weighed heavily on my mind. On Saturday, 10th Feb, I realised that I needed to start doing the things I loved and really start taking it seriously. By the next day, I felt God telling me that it was time. The time had come. He gave me such a clear vision on how to move forward and I had never seen my path so clearly ever before. And I am so grateful that He did that for me. I was even so sure that this was the right way to go because everything else just seemed to fall into place.

It was the most amazing feeling and still is. So, I decided to quit my job working for my mother. I knew that I would not be able to accomplish anything I wanted to do if I kept working in the company because I would never have the time. When I told her, she understood and she knew that eventually, I would want to pursue other things.

So, the deal we made was to leave in March. She has even found someone that could replace me and I am just happy and excited to be moving forward in my life. I am taking a huge leap from a job that pays so well but  I feel so much passion in my soul for God and this new path and it just completely fills me up. Walking away from the money does not feel difficult in any way.

I listened to a sermon by Sarah Jakes Roberts recently titled ‘The Ground is Shifting’. She explained that when one looks at the sky and sees it moving, it’s not the sky that is moving but the ground. The ground is shifting and so we change position sometimes and never really realise it in that moment. For example, you could be friends with a person all your life and then slowly, you start to drift apart – not necessarily because anyone did anything wrong but a shift has happened. The person you were has changed and maybe that person hasn’t. Or maybe its the other way around. Either way, both of you can’t really seem to find common ground anymore. This doesn’t happen with everyone but it’s something that does happen. That is just an example.

Basically for me, the ground has shifted in terms of my journey. I don’t know when it happened but it did and I am feeling the effects of it now (in the most amazing way). God has been so good to me – I can’t even stress that enough. I had always prayed to God to reveal a path for me and at some point, it felt like He wasn’t even listening to me. But, He was. He gave me the tools I needed to reach this point. He prepared me for this. Even working at a start-up was a way for me to learn patience and sacrifice and He knew that I would need those things. I mean, just how awesome is He? I can’t even put it into words.

Anyway, this is just a gist that I hope gives a clear explanation of my absence. I have so much in store and by the grace of God, fear would not win. Fear has always prevented me from doing a lot of things but I refuse to give into fear any longer.

Thank you for reading as always and I will be updating as I make all my moves this year.

All my love,

Dolly.

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Twenty-Somethings

So, on Saturday, while I was in the Uber on my way to work (Yes, I work on Saturdays too, FML…), I started listening to Sza’s ‘Twenty Somethings’. I have listened to this song many times but I never really heard it until that day and I related with it on a completely different level.

I mean, I have to tell you that my 20s have been a whole different ball game. It has to be. It is that time in your life when you are definitely not a child anymore but you cannot necessarily call yourself an experienced adult because you are still trying to navigate adulthood and all that comes with it. It’s that period where you are introduced to life on a whole new scale.

For me, my 20s have been such an interesting journey and I am just 2 years in. I have seen myself evolve from the person that I used to be and the ways that I used to think. There are some shows that I watch now, like Insecure and Atlanta where, I can totally relate to the characters on those shows. I see myself making the same kind of mistakes they make; battling the same kind of decisions that they do about work, love, sex, life.

Not only that but my friends are in their 20s as well. The conversations that we have has changed. We spend our time talking about those same topics – work, love, sex, life – and also arguing about things going on in the news or on social media.

We also talk about our futures and while some of us have our journeys mapped out, not all of us (like me), seems to have any ideas how to go about it. That can be frustrating sometimes because you feel like you are supposed to have it all together but then, you don’t but the plan is to always take it one step at a time.

We also find ourselves confronted with new realities like the realities of marriage and children and we ask ourselves how we got to this point. Lol.

We drink lots of alcohol and we find time to hang out and we talk and when we do, we analyse and joke about the things that young adults talk about. And I love it.

I think that the freedom you feel in your 20s is unlike any other but its good because you get to enjoy that time for yourself and put your life together for when you are ready to take on bigger, bolder responsibilities.

I will miss it when it’s over but I am enjoying it now and taking it all in while learning to be the best version of myself.